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Twit Happens

  • Anna Kendrick

    Anna Kendrick

    Can I petition to make holding grudges an Olympic event? Cause I've been in training my whole life.

  • Tom Arnold

    Tom Arnold

    Today's lesson: If your stoned 45 yr old sister-in-law wants to prove she can still do a cartwheel take your baby out of the room. #facebump

  • Lena Dunham

    Lena Dunham

    As with everything, there are shades and shadows but I personally like an unsolicited "hey beautiful!" from an old New York fossil

  • Judd Apatow

    Judd Apatow

    I just thought I should take a walk to work off some calories then immediately thought I could walk to Shake Shack. Please help me.

  • Blake Shelton

    Blake Shelton

    Happy Sunday y'all!!!! And for any haters reading this, your momma says hello...

  • Demi Lovato

    Demi Lovato

    Literally can't stop listening to @nickjonas's new music.. SOO GOOD. Y'all aren't ready!!!!!

  • jimmy fallon

    jimmy fallon

    Thank you, the new trailer for “50 Shades of Grey,” for already getting two thumbs up …I just don’t wanna know where. #thankyounotefriday

  • Brandi Glanville

    Brandi Glanville

    I think I may just have met my future ex husband at bed bath and beyond

  • christine teigen

    christine teigen

    I would pay 1,000 dollars per episode to see the same people from Nickelodeon Guts climb the same agro crag 20 years later

  • christine teigen

    christine teigen

    One of my biggest peeves: when random ass men tell me to "smile"

  • christina applegate

    christina applegate

    Just got a notification that @FallonTonight started following me. So I looked behind me. I'm feeling creeped out. He's everywhere

  • Jennette McCurdy

    Jennette McCurdy

    they need to have a law on how many ice cream samples you can try because these places are really losing sales from people like me

  • Andi Dorfman

    Andi Dorfman

    Why do men have to grunt so loud at the gym? #itsonly40pounds #noisepollution

  • Demi Lovato

    Demi Lovato

    In the studio recording a hit... Mark my words!!! It's AMAZING!!!! 😝😝😝

  • Will Arnett™

    Will Arnett™

    My diet is practically 80% gluten free #BallSoHard

  • Tom Arnold

    Tom Arnold

    Is it an odd combination of pathetic weakness and massive strength that gets me all the way downstairs to the fridge at 3 a.m. every night.

  • Evan Rachel Wood

    Evan Rachel Wood

    I thought the Ninja Turtles were supposed to be "teenage" Why are they on steroids??

  • christine teigen

    christine teigen

    The penises people tweet me are always the worst penises

  • Jessica Biel

    Jessica Biel

    I’d much rather mix business with pleather.

  • Stephen Colbert

    Stephen Colbert

    Can't believe it's already Stage 16 of this year's Tour de France and there still hasn't been a single goal scored.

  • Nicole Richie

    Nicole Richie

    I am the perfect person to chaperone a party... I can smell vodka from a mile away.

  • Kelly Clarkson

    Kelly Clarkson

    Lady says to me "Oh I recognize your name. You were on that show American Idol. What are you doing now?" Hahahaha!! #wherearetheynow :)

  • Larry King

    Larry King

    My sons are going to sports camps until school starts Aug. 16th. When I went to school, it always started after Labor Day. Times change!

  • Alyssa Milano

    Alyssa Milano

    I can't even pretend to understand what's happening in the Middle East right now. It all just hurts my heart.

  • Ed Sheeran

    Ed Sheeran

    It's never too early for toblerone

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