Matt Damon Michael Douglas National Enquirer

June 13th, 2013

Matt Damon is “shaken” from Michael Douglas’ recent revelation that contracting HPV (human papillomavirus) from oral sex caused his throat cancer, reports the National Enquirer.

Uh…

Katie Holmes Luke Kirby National Enquirer

June 12th, 2013

“Lovestruck Katie Holmes is telling pals that she wants to be a mom again — and new squeeze Luke Kirby is her dream baby daddy,” begins a breathless piece from the National Enquirer.

Wait, what?

Matt Damon National Enquirer

June 5th, 2013

“After counting calories for years to stay in action hero shape, Matt Damon has vowed his next screen role will be ‘doughnut friendly,’” begins a piece from the National Enquirer.

Yes, a tree died so that sentence could be printed.

Anyway, a supposed “close family friend” tells the supermarket tabloid, “He’s admitted to pals that he’s sick to death of dieting,” noting, “He says he wants to find a project where he doesn’t have to count every single calorie.”

Really?

Lindsay Lohan National Enquirer

June 5th, 2013

Lindsay Lohan is spending her time in rehab “pleading with pals to give her another chance,” claims National Enquirer.

According to the tab, a “miserable” Lohan is passing her 90 days at the Betty Ford Center by sending letters to Samantha Ronson, The Wanted’s Max George, and even “nemesis” Paris Hilton.

For real?

Kylie Jenner National Enquirer

June 5th, 2013

Is Kylie Jenner pulling a Cher in Clueless and driving without a license?

The National Enquirer reports that the 15-year-old reality star was “spotted driving mom Kris Jenner’s black Mercedes G Wagon near her Calabasas home with three BFFs aboard.”

Really?

Gwyneth Paltrow National Enquirer

May 22nd, 2013

“Gwyneth Paltrow may be the ‘World’s Most Beautiful Woman,’ but she sure doesn’t smell like it,” begins a piece from the National Enquirer, which claims the actress had “terrible body odor” at the Met Gala.

For real?!

National Enquirer suri cruise

May 16th, 2013

“Suri Cruise has suddenly become an even more popular girl, thanks to rumors that she’s set to launch a multimillion-dollar kids fashion line,” begins a new story from the National Enquirer.

The tab says her classmates at a private school in New York are “inundating” Cruise “with design ideas” — as are the parents.

Seriously?

Alex Roldan Bruce Jenner Kris Jenner National Enquirer

May 16th, 2013

“Kris Jenner Betrays Hubby Bruce,” blares a National Enquirer headline.

The tabloid says the Kardashian family matriarch was “caught in [a] half-naked kiss,” and is having a “secret relationship” with hairdresser Alex Roldan, “one of the men rumored to be the biological father of her daughter Khloe!”

For real?