(GettyImages.com)

“Is Jen Wrecking Justin’s Career?” asks In Touch, which claims Jennifer Aniston has forbid Justin Theroux from accepting movie roles that require them to be apart.

According to a supposed “friend” of the pair, Theroux “recently turned down two roles because they shot out of the country and Jen didn’t want to be separated for that long.”

The mag claims Aniston has “separation anxiety” and allegedly told her man “she didn’t want him that far away.”

Adds the so-called “pal,” “She initiated a rule that he can’t be further than a five-hour plane trip so he had to pass on the projects.”

Uh-huh.

Let’s take a moment to point out that this is the same outlet which reported Aniston had instituted a “sex ban” on their relationship (b.s.), was adopting a baby (not true) and that Theroux “dumped” her over the holidays (wrong).

Of course, Aniston’s supposed five-hour rule is similarly BOGUS.

A source close to Theroux tells Gossip Cop the tab’s story is “ridiculous.”

Perhaps it’s time for In Touch to find new, better-informed “friends” of Aniston.

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According to In Touch, Scott Disick is making life “miserable” for his pregnant girlfriend, Kourtney Kardashian, allegedly “mocking her weight” and staying out all night at parties.

“Sweet and attentive during her first pregnancy, Scott has been a nightmare from day one of pregnancy two,” declares the magazine.

In Touch claims Disick is “ditching Kourtney to go out to clubs at ever opportunity” and being “relentlessly mean about her weight gain.”

The tabloid even says he calls her “Portney,” a play on “portly.”

RELATED – “Teen Mom” Escalates Feud with Kourtney Kardashian

Disick supposedly feels free to “torture” Kardashian throughout her pregnancy because “he knows she won’t leave him,” explains an In Touch “insider,” adding, “Kourtney won’t learn.”

Neither will In Touch.

This is the same mag that published a cover story last March wrongly declaring that Disick and Kardashian were waging a legal war over their son Mason.

They were supposedly consulting attorneys and “fighting more than ever.”

So what’s happened since In Touch claimed the couple was entering a brutal custody fight?

Disick and Kardashian stayed together and got ready to welcome a second child.

This new allegation about Kardashian’s “nightmare” pregnancy with Disick is just as inaccurate.

A source close to the couple tells Gossip Cop the story is “not true,” and says Disick is “so excited for the new baby.”

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This one’s a laugh.

In Touch magazine is wondering whether Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are getting the “7-year itch” and could be “the next couple to split.”

Of course, the tabloid has spent what seems like 7 years writing story after story, week after week, about the allegedly imminent demise of Jolie and Pitt’s relationship.

In Touch claimed they were on the brink of separation back in 2009, and the mag has since repeated the same rumor dozens of times, regardless of the facts.

Here we are again.

A so-called “source” tells the tab that Pitt and Jolie have “fallen victim to the dreaded seven-year itch (which just killed Heidi Klum and Seal’s marriage and destroyed Brad’s relationship with Jen Aniston!).”

Wait a minute.

In Touch is now using the completely unrelated Klum-Seal split as an indicator that Jolie and Pitt are about to call it quits?

“They’re tired and the passion has faded,” explains the mag’s source.

Actually, it seems like In Touch is just too “tired” to bother coming up with new angles on celebrity news.

As Gossip Cop has reported throughout the tabloid’s endless campaign to break up Jolie and Pitt, and as a source close to the couple assures us once again, they are perfectly “happy” in their relationship.

In Touch should pick another “itch” to scratch.

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(In Touch)

Kris Jenner destroyed Kim Kardashian by molding into her into a “Mini Me” and “monster,” claims In Touch.

In a splashy cover story, the magazine alleges that Jenner pushed Kardashian “to have sex at 14″ and otherwise shaped her daughter at a young age with “questionable values.”

In Touch cites a “family friend” who believes Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries was “encouraged” by Jenner, who supposedly “won’t rest until Kim is married to an A-lister.”

The tabloid says “the idea of marrying for money and fame” was “instilled in Kim as a child,” and somehow “driven home in the way [Jenner] stayed married but flaunted” her alleged affair 20 years ago with Todd Waterman, whose theories form the backbone for the In Touch article.

Um, if Jenner is supposedly obsessed with “marrying for fame” and has complete control over her “Mini Me” daughter, as In Touch claims, then why did she sign off on the Humphries marriage in the first place?

But dubious internal logic is not the article’s only failing.

The bait-and-switch cover, which makes the rather serious allegation that Jenner “pushed” Kardashian to have sex at 14, corresponds to nothing in the article itself.

There’s a vague reference to Jenner being “permissive about sex” and giving Kardashian “the green light to have sex in her teens.”

We’re not exactly sure how that equates to the implied pimping advertised on the cover.

In any case, the entire article is an exercise in sensationalism and gross exaggeration.

It’s true that Jenner is not only Kardashian’s mom – she’s also her manager.

She’s involved in her daughter’s career and obviously has influence in her personal life.

But the notion that Jenner’s infidelity when Kardashian was a child turned her daughter “into a monster” is a leap that needs actual facts and specifics to be believable.

A source close to the family tells Gossip Cop that In Touch’s assertions are “ridiculous.”

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“Drew Barrymore wants Adam Sandler to be her best man when she marries fiancé Will Kopelman,” reports In Touch magazine.

The pair have become close friends over the years, and Barrymore supposedly wants her 50 First Dates and The Wedding Singer co-star to be next to her when she and Kopelman wed.

“Those two absolutely adore each other, so it only made sense to Drew that he will be right by her side playing an important role at her wedding,” says an “insider” for In Touch.

But the “best man” rumor is not the tabloid’s best effort.

It’s “not true,” a source close to the actress tells Gossip Cop.

Kopelman popped the question to Barrymore, who’s been married twice before, over the holidays.

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“Jada Moves Out!” blares a headline from In Touch, which refuses to back down on its inaccurate claim that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are separating.

The mag, which wrongly reported the couple was divorcing, that Pinkett had an affair with Marc Anthony and met with a divorce attorney, now says Pinkett has left the home she shares with Smith and their two children.

According to a so-called “witness” for the tabloid, Pinkett “was spotted making trips from the house she and Will share in Calabasas, California, to her brother’s Woodland Hills pad, bringing piles of clothes, paperwork and other belongings.”

The source notes, “Jada and her assistant made several trips.”

In Touch alleges that Pinkett’s supposed move is the “final blow to their shaky marriage,” and quotes another purported “insider” as saying, “Will and Jada are so over and have been for a while.”

Uh-huh…

If they’re “so over” and have been since the summer, when the tab first started this rumor, then why haven’t they announced their split?

Because In Touch is full of it.

The magazine was wrong in August when Smith and Pinkett called their story FALSE, again in September when Marc Anthony blasted their claim that he and Pinkett had an affair, and yet again this month, when Gossip Cop busted their report that Pinkett met with a divorce lawyer.

Still, the tabloid just won’t let it go.

A source close to Pinkett tells Gossip Cop the mag’s latest story, is, like its previous tales, “all lies.”

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Jennifer Aniston has “fast-tracked her plan to have a baby — and is looking into adopting a child as a single mom,” reports In Touch.

The magazine claims the urgency comes even as Aniston faces “the disappointing possibility that Justin Theroux is more of a Mr. Right Now than a Mr. Right.”

A so-called “close friend” of the actress tells In Touch, “Jennifer feels that at her age, she can’t wait until Justin comes around to the idea of starting a family. She’s looking seriously into adoption and has met with some agencies through her friends’ referrals.”

But just like plenty of other recent In Touch stories about Aniston’s personal life, this one is totally bogus.

She’s not meeting with adoption agencies or fast-tracking baby plans.

A rep for Aniston tells Gossip Cop the tabloid claims are “not true.”

Check out magazine COVERS of Jennifer baby rumors over the years!

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“It was hard not to notice Miley Cyrus’ pared-down physique at the January 11 People’s Choice Awards,” begins a piece from In Touch, which goes on to claim that the teenage star spent big bucks to get slim.

According to a so-called “pal” of the singer, Cyrus “enlisted the help of a nutritionist, chef and her old personal trainer, Harley Pasternak, to whip herself into bikini-ready shape ahead of her recent Hawaiian getaway with boyfriend Liam Hemsworth.”

Check out PHOTOS from their beach vacation!

This supposed friend claims, “Miley probably spent $50,000 to lose 15 pounds in a few weeks,” adding, “She didn’t care what it cost as long as she looked good!”

And In Touch didn’t care how inaccurate its outlandish claim was – as long as it made for a juicy story.

A rep for Cyrus tells Gossip Cop the report she paid $50,000 to lose weight is “not true at all.”

See PICS of Miley’s new haircut!

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The world’s leading provider of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fan fiction is at it again!

When we last left In Touch, the magazine was wrongly alleging that the couple’s son Pax was “out of control” and a “wild child.”

Now, says In Touch, it’s Jolie supposedly having the tantrums!

According to the tabloid, things got ugly earlier this month on the Palm Springs International Film Festival’s red carpet, when an “animated and friendly” Jolie suddenly “went cold” when reporters asked about the condition of Pitt’s injured knee.

“Everybody’s been making too big a deal about a cane,” said Jolie, adding, “Seriously, there are so many other things you should be focusing on in the world.”

Later, Pitt had to pull Jolie inside for the ceremony because she was still signing autographs for fans.

Somehow, In Touch uses these two details as evidence of Jolie “act[ing] out” as part of a “jealous meltdown.”

Confused?

That’s because it makes zero sense!

The magazine insists Jolie’s “odd behavior” concerning Pitt is because she’s “deeply jealous” of his success with Moneyball and The Tree of Life.

Supposedly frustrated about a lack of attention for her directorial debut, In The Land of Blood and Honey, Jolie isn’t supporting Pitt and instead has started “acting more like a bitter rival,” says In Touch.

One “friend” tells the tabloid, “She’s been acting resentful and impatient. It’s a shame.”

Uh, no.

The “shame” here is that In Touch thinks it can get away with labeling Jolie a “jealous” monster based on the facts that she signed autographs and downplayed Pitt’s injury.

There’s been no actual evidence – on the red carpet or elsewhere – that Jolie is anything but thrilled for the positive attention Pitt’s been getting so far during awards season.

A source close to the couple laughed off the In Touch fabrication, telling Gossip Cop, “as usual, it’s totally untrue.”

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Jennifer Lopez is using her Hollywood stardom to find work for her “boy toy” Casper Smart, according to In Touch.

The mag says the “American Idol” judge “petitioned the show’s producers to find a job for her young lover,” and quotes a so-called “insider” as saying, “Casper has some title, but no one knows what he’s supposed to be doing.”

Nor is her alleged favor for the 24-year-old backup dancer rooted in goodwill, states the tabloid.

In Touch claims that since splitting from the “ultra-controlling” Marc Anthony, Lopez is “eager to get back in the driver’s seat herself,” which means ”keeping Casper at arm’s reach while she works.”

OK…

So what about when she begins working on her next movie? Will she get Smart a role in What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Part 2?

Why doesn’t she just make him her personal assistant if she really feels the need to keep him “at arm’s reach”?

The whole premise is just absurd.

Anyway, a rep for Lopez tells Gossip Cop the claim that she got him a job on “Idol” is simply “inaccurate.”

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It’s nice to see that In Touch magazine, a babbling brook of endless Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt tall tales, has extended its “expertise” to their children.

In particular, the tabloid seems to have a real problem with eight-year-old Pax.

Last August, In Touch labeled Pax a “bully,” blaming a difficult early childhood in Vietnam for his “aggression.”

Now a new article in the magazine insists Jolie and Pitt “have a problem on their hands” with “wild child” Pax.

He’s “proving to be more than a handful for the duo,” says an “insider” for In Touch, adding that Pax is “out of control.”

“Pax always bullies older brother Maddox and little sister Shiloh,” explains the so-called “insider,” going on to say, “He wants to show them how strong he is and how he can fight like the men they see in action films.”

Is this for real?

In Touch thinks that an eight-year-old boy’s mimicry of action stars is newsworthy and somehow evidence that he’s become a major behavioral problem?

He’s a little boy.

Sometimes he roughhouses with his siblings.

That’s the beginning and end of it.

A source close to the family laughed off In Touch‘s newest claims about there being a serious issue with Pax, calling them “absurd.”

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In Touch reports “exclusively” that “Vampire Diaries” star Nina Dobrev turned down Ian Somerhalder’s marriage proposal.

According to the tabloid, Somerhalder popped the question to his girlfriend and co-star over the holidays.

The mag quotes a so-called “insider” relating, “She is freaking out, saying, ‘I don’t want to marry him!’”

The unnamed “friend” adds, “She thinks she’s too young, and with all the offers she’s getting, she’s poised to be a big star.”

Now, notes In Touch, Dobrev feels her ”relationship is ruined.”

“They were having fun,” says the tab’s source, “and now there’s a lot of tension.”

Unfortunately for In Touch, its story — like a vampire — sucks.

A rep for Dobrev tells Gossip Cop the report is “wrong,” and “there was no proposal.”

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“Jessica Simpson has dropped out of school — Lamaze school, that is,” begins a piece from In Touch, which says the singer is now planning to have her baby via Caesarean section.

According to the mag, “She was taking the classes with her fiance, Eric Johnson, but after a few lessons, she decided to skip natural childbirth and schedule a C-section instead.”

In Touch claims Simpson made the decision after the Lamaze classes supposedly “reminded” her of sister Ashlee’s difficult birth to Bronx in 2008, quoting a so-called “friend” as saying, “She wants to skip the pain.”

“Jessica can’t wait to become a mother, but she quickly decided that giving birth the old-fashioned way just wasn’t for her,” the supposed pal explains, noting, “She is planning a C-section in late April.”

The insider adds that Simpson has “already booked a $2,800 suite at Cedars-Sinai hospital in L.A.”

OK…

Now, here’s what’s right about the tabloid’s story: Jessica Simpson is pregnant.

Here’s what’s wrong: EVERYTHING ELSE.

Simpson “was never in a Lamaze class!” a source close to the singer assures Gossip Cop, nor did she did reserve a suite at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

Moreover, additional sources tell us there’s NO scheduled C-section.

So In Touch managed to get three facts wrong within one story… impressive!

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(In Touch)

Justin Theroux “dumped” Jennifer Aniston, claims In Touch magazine.

According to the tabloid’s cover story, the couple got into “their biggest fight” ever in late December after Aniston allegedly was “humiliated and disappointed” when Theroux did not propose marriage over Christmas.

A “furious” Aniston supposedly began a fight that lasted for days.

“Eventually, Justin exploded,” says In Touch, and Theroux “stormed out” of their New York apartment.

The magazine explains, “He packed his bags and dumped her for several days,” leaving Aniston’s baby and wedding dreams “shattered.”

After the alleged split, however, Theroux and Aniston vacationed together in Telluride over New Year’s.

How does In Touch explain it?

Well, neither of them was “ready to completely cut ties yet,” so they “managed to bite their lips” and go on the ski getaway.

Uh-huh.

Here’s what actually happened.

In Touch has been on a huge losing streak when it comes to Aniston and Theroux, repeatedly reporting on “sex bans” and things being “rocky.”

So the magazine is now invested in a bogus narrative – and continuing to publish it, week after week, in increasingly desperate fashion.

A rep for Aniston tells us the latest In Touch fabrication is just as “false” as the tab’s other recent fantasies.

We’re assured the couple has “not broken up.”

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In a piece titled “Jada’s Secret Divorce Talks,” In Touch writes, “Ever since August, when In Touch first broke the news of a rift between Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, the pair has been trying hard to present a united front.”

Stop.

In Touch was wrong back in August when it alleged there was trouble between Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Anyway, now the tabloid claims “a source exclusively tells In Touch that the 40-year-old actress has met with a high-powered divorce attorney!”

“Jada recently visited the offices of Laura Wasser,” says the mag’s source, referring to the divorce attorney who’s handled the high-profile splits of Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Reynolds, and Christina Aguilera, to name a few.

In Touch also reports that Jada recently turned down a good film role, and explained that she was going through a “difficult time.”

A rep for the actress tells Gossip Cop there’s “no truth” to the tabloid’s story.

We’re still waiting to hear back from Wasser.

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(GettyImages.com)

(GettyImages.com)

According to In Touch, Pete Wentz and his girlfriend, Meagan Camper, are expecting a baby.

The magazine reports “exclusively” that Camper is “pregnant,” citing a so-called “music industry insider.”

“His divorce from Ashlee Simpson, 27, was just finalized, so Pete has been keeping the pregnancy under wraps, but he is very happy about it,” says the In Touch source (in excruciatingly unnatural language).

Wentz and Simpson have a three-year-old son, Bronx, together.

And for the time being, Bronx will remain Wentz’s only child.

A rep for the rocker tells Gossip Cop the report of Camper being pregnant is “absolutely not true.”

Yet another In Touch “insider” turns out to be woefully out of touch.

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Jennifer Aniston canceled a holiday trip to Mexico in order to save her “rocky” relationship with Justin Theroux, reports In Touch.

According to the tabloid, Theroux was “miffed” when Aniston allegedly “made plans for the couple to jet off to Mexico for Christmas without asking him first.”

When the actor supposedly “put his foot down and told Jen he wasn’t sure about going,” she conceded and “made some major changes to their holiday itinerary” so that they can spend the holiday in New York.

A so-called “source” for the mag explains, “Jen worried that Justin would be angry and that his friends and family would hate her if he didn’t make it back to the East Coast for Christmas.”

The change of plans is supposedly Aniston’s way of showing Theroux “she’ll do anything to keep him in her life.”

How lovely.

Now here’s what really happened.

Earlier this month, In Touch wrongly reported that Aniston was driving Theroux crazy by booking a Christmas trip to Mexico without his consent.

Gossip Cop debunked the ridiculous story, and now the mag is trying to save face by fabricating this follow-up piece.

Regardless, a rep for Aniston tells Gossip Cop the tale is “completely made up.”

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We have a pretty good idea of what In Touch magazine will look like in 2012.

Unfortunately, it’ll be just like 2011… and 2010… and 2009.

That’s because the tabloid is caught in an endless loop of bashing Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and predicting doom for their relationship.

So it’s no surprise that this week brings yet another In Touch report about how she’s “driving Brad crazy!”

“Her closed-off lifestyle” is making Pitt nuts, explains a so-called “insider,” adding, “When they’re back in LA, she goes ballistic if he tries to leave home.”

Is that true?

And it’s “not much better” when they go out together, claims In Touch, which says the couple “got into two spats” while dining at restaurant Boulevard 3.

Oh, so they do leave home – but only to fight?

In Touch doesn’t even bother saying when (or why) these “spats” occurred.

Sources close to the couple laugh off the latest rumors, telling Gossip Cop that Jolie and Pitt are still “perfectly happy,” despite In Touch’s best efforts to portray them otherwise.

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(GettyImages)

(GettyImages)

“Blake Lively is keeping her eyes — and options — wide open in her relationship with Ryan Reynolds,” begins a piece in In Touch.

According to the tab, Lively still has “lingering feelings” for Leonardo DiCaprio, and “the more she’s gotten to know [Reynolds], the more she misses Leo — and his A-list lifestyle.”

“While Ryan and Blake recently took a train from Boston to New York,” writes In Touch, DiCaprio “whisked her around the world on private jets and took her on luxurious shopping sprees.”

The mag then quotes a so-called “insider” as saying, “She likes dating a high-profile guy and everything that comes with it.”

Meanwhile, In Touch says, “Leo still likes Blake” and “would be open to taking her back.”

Neverthless, the mag says the “opportunistic Gossip Girl star” is keeping “DiCaprio on ice in case her relationship with Ryan Reynolds goes bust.”

Wait.

Lively has “lingering feelings” for DiCaprio, and the Titanic star “still likes Blake,” but she’ll only go back to him if her supposedly loveless relationship with Reynolds “goes bust”?

Not only is the In Touch story illogical, but it’s also completely fabricated.

A rep for Lively tells Gossip Cop the article is “absolutely not true,” and says the mag “made up” the entire premise.

Check out PHOTOS of Blake walking Ryan’s dog in NYC!

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“Tom spoils Katie from across the world!” reads a headline from In Touch, which goes on to say, “Tom Cruise’s real ‘mission’ is to get Katie Holmes to agree to baby number two.”

According to the tab, Cruise is “on an all-out campaign” to convince Holmes “to have a second child.”

The mag alleges the actor “has been showering her with pricey gifts on a daily basis.”

And while Cruise is traveling around the world promoting Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol, “he’s been working overtime to make sure Katie keeps him — and baby number two — in her thoughts,” writes In Touch.

He’s been doing that by having flowers “delivered to the house every day, along with her favorite foods.”

Cruise even “hired the sushi chef from famed restaurant Nobu to prepare all of Katie’s favorites” one evening, notes the mag.

Basically, the mag is saying Cruise is bribing his wife to get pregnant with the help of orchids and sushi.

That sounds a bit fishy.

Albeit ludicrous, Gossip Cop checked in with a source close to Cruise, and we’re told there’s absolutely no truth to the In Touch report.

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In Touch reports that Jason Trawick proposed to Britney Spears with a “massive engagement ring” on her 30th birthday — but she turned him down.

A supposed source for the mag says that on December 2, “Jason got down on one knee and asked,” but Spears “panicked and said she needed time to think.”

The alleged Spears pal claims, “Britney is planning to say yes eventually,” and that her refusal is just “a power move to keep Justin waiting.”

Well, that’s an interesting tactic.

Meanwhile, another so -called “insider” contends that Spears said no to Trawick because she “doesn’t want anyone thinking she’s making another rash decision,” as she did in her two previous marriages.

“She won’t rush into anything without giving it a lot of thought,” explains the source.

Uh, they’ve been together for more than two years.

So what’s really going on here?

Basically, In Touch knows it’s quite likely that Trawick and Spears could get engaged soon, and this is the tab’s way of being “ahead” of the story.

Nice try.

A rep for Spears laughed off the turned down proposal tale, telling Gossip Cop it’s entirely made up.

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Kim Kardashian may have said she was donating her wedding gifts to charity in the wake of her divorce, but according to In Touch, she simply traded in the presents in exchange for some “nice loot.”

The mag alleges Kardashian “cashed in some of her presents at a Hollywood luxury boutique — and bought her family Rolexes with the proceeds!”

Wow.

Supposed “insiders” for the tabloid claim this may have been the reality star’s plan all along, noting, “Kim had never had the gifts delivered. The store was still waiting for her to give them an address.”

So, the week after Kardashian filed for divorce, “She went in to the store and told them she didn’t want the stuff after all,” says one so-called “source,” adding, “She had them just give her store credit for everything.”

Kardashian allegedly “bought a slew of luxe watches” with the credit, including a “pave diamond and shell dial Rolex for sister Kourtney.”

“Her brother, Rob, brother-in-law, Lamar Odom, sister Khloe and mother, Kris, have also been spotted rocking conspicuously high-end watches as well in recent weeks,” evidences In Touch.

So, did she also buy baby Mason his first Rolex with her wedding guests’ cash? And did Bruce get some new stud earrings?

No.

Kardashian donated the money from her wedding gifts to the Dream Foundation, as she promised to do from the beginning.

An impeccable family source tells Gossip Cop the story is “ridiculous and not true.”

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“Stressed, depressed and insecure, Angelina Jolie is losing her temper… and maybe her mind!” declares – you guessed it! – In Touch magazine.

The tabloid, which has seemingly leveled entire forests and spilled oceans of ink trying to bring down Jolie and Brad Pitt, is at it once again, claiming that a “paranoid” Jolie is on the verge of a breakdown.

As always, the happier Jolie seems on the outside, the more “unhinged” In Touch alleges she is behind closed doors.

That way, silly trifles like “observable reality” never interfere with the magazine’s claims.

This week, it’s Jolie’s alleged “anxiety” over the upcoming release of her directorial debut, In The Land of Blood and Honey, that’s leading her to supposedly unravel.

According to an In Touch source, “She’s been so jumpy. Edgy, nervous, quiet.”

The so-called “associate” describes Jolie as “totally dependent on Brad’s love and attention… when he’s away, her tense moods escalate.”

Oh, and she’s also allegedly “suspicious” of Pitt, but the magazine doesn’t even try to back up that claim.

In Touch shrieks that Jolie has “turned into a basket case” and frets, “Let’s hope for everyone’s sake her movie’s a hit!”

Of course, however In The Land of Blood and Honey performs, the tabloid will find excuses, week after week, month after month, to portray Jolie as a tortured, fragile mess on the brink of melting down.

And the mag will hope its readers forget that its past few dozen predictions were totally wrong.

Sources close to Jolie tell Gossip Cop this latest In Touch assault on the actress and her family is as bogus as all those other baseless articles.

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Following the inexplicable tabloid trend of fabricating danger to pregnant women and their unborn children, In Touch reports this week that Jessica Simpson is on an “emergency baby diet” because she’s putting on far too much weight during her pregnancy.

The mag claims Simpson is “struggling to cope with her rapid pregnancy weight gain,” quoting a so-called “friend” as saying, “Jessica is only in her second trimester, but she already feels uncomfortable.”

This supposed “insider” tells the mag that she’s “already packed on 30 pounds by indulging in salty foods like chips with extra guacamole,” and notes, “At this rate, she could wind up gaining 70 pounds before she gives birth.”

In Touch then consults a doctor, who has never treated Simpson before, and knows nothing about her pregnancy other than the supposed facts the mag supplies.

According to the physician, “Women with Jessica’s pre-pregnancy body type should gain approximately 25-35 pounds throughout the entire nine months — with the majority in the second or third trimesters.”

Another alleged Simpson pal says the singer is therefore “making big changes” to protect her and her baby’s health, such as hiring a chef  ”to help her cut calories and make sure she’s eating the right foods.”

Hmm… that last detail sounds a bit familiar.

That’s because it was Gossip Cop who reported weeks ago that Simpson had hired a chef to make healthy meals, something which has absolutely nothing to do with her supposed abnormal weight gain.

Simpson has been eating healthy throughout her pregnancy, and is gaining a perfectly appropriate amount of weight.

In Touch‘s entire story is just a big fat lie.

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We hope Suri Cruise doesn’t read In Touch – because the tabloid just promised her a pony for Christmas.

Along with diamond studs and all the “frilly custom-designed dresses” she could ever want!

That’s because, according to In Touch, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have “no issue with getting their pampered daughter everything she asks for.”

“Tom and Katie love the holidays and always go overboard to make sure Suri has a magical time,” explains a so-called “family friend,” adding, “They are buying absolutely everything she asked for!”

And this year, her “No. 1 wish is a pony!” claims the In Touch source, adding that Tom Cruise has already been on the search for a $100,000-plus pony, which is on Suri’s list for Santa, along with “diamond earrings and beautiful dresses, like a fairy princess gown.”

Just to be clear: In Touch claims (1) to know exactly what Suri Cruise wants for Christmas and that (2) the 5-year-old gets absolutely everything she wants.

Uh-huh.

A rep for the couple tells Gossip Cop the entire preposterous story is “false.”

In other words, don’t expect to see a diamond-accessorized Suri riding a pony through Beverly Hills come December 25.

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According to In Touch, Ashton Kutcher is “terrified” Demi Moore will “air the dirty laundry about their marriage” in an upcoming memoir.

“She got the book deal when they were still together, and it was supposed to focus on her childhood, her complex relationship with her mom and how it affected her life and career,” explains a so-called “insider” for the tabloid.

But in the wake of her messy breakup with Kutcher, Moore will now supposedly be pressured to write about their marriage’s ugly end, and In Touch‘s source says Kutcher is “afraid she’ll ruin his image by exposing all of their secrets.”

What secrets?

In Touch doesn’t seem to know any of that, but seems confident that Kutcher is “afraid of Demi’s book!”

The mag even speculates that Kutcher might try to pay Moore in their divorce negotiations not to tell all.

But rumors of Moore penning a “diss-and-tell” are untrue.

A source close to the actress tells Gossip Cop of the tabloid rumor, “It is so silly.”

That puts it right in line with other recent In Touch stories about Moore, which have been laughably out of touch.

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In Touch continues its crusade against Jennifer Aniston‘s love life this week, claiming that the actress is driving Justin Theroux crazy with her supposed “neurotic, high-maintenance behavior.”

A “source” for the tabloid says, “Justin really can’t believe how vain Jennifer is,” noting that she “complains nonstop about how fat she is” since she put on a few pounds after quitting smoking.

Aside from being self-absorbed and obsessed with her looks, writes the mag, Aniston is also putting off Theroux by instituting a “sex ban.”

Huh?

Yes, In Touch claims she’s so neurotic and desperate to conceive that she’s insisting “they should only have sex during her most fertile days.”

Consequently, “Justin has been saying that their love life is more like a science experiment and he’s really fed up with it,” says the alleged “source.”

“They’ve been fighting a lot,” adds the insider, who reveals Theroux recently “rebelled” when Aniston booked them a holiday trip to Mexico, telling her “he wasn’t sure about going.”

Another so-called “pal” explains, “He’s starting to feel like Jen is scheduling all of his time up so that he won’t be able to see his friends.”

The supposed crumbling status of their relationship leads the tab’s “insider” to predict they “could be kaput by Valentine’s Day.”

Well, that’s a very convenient timeline for In Touch, because when the couple is still together two and a half months from now, no one (except Gossip Cop) will remember this wrong story.

Regardless, a source extremely close to Theroux tells us the tab’s tale is 100% FALSE, and that the couple is doing just fine.

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“Jess and Justin’s Public Spat,” reads the headline of a piece in In Touch, which claims Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel openly fought earlier this month at the famed Chateau Marmont hotel.

According to the tabloid, on November 15, the on-and-off couple “had a spat over the M word: marriage!”

The mag goes on to state that the night “turned ugly when she started talking about their future.”

Adds a so-called “eyewitness,” “They started bickering and she walked out.”

So, this happened two weeks ago, and only now In Touch is asserting there was a “spat”?

And, how is it that Biel and Timberlake had a public fight and only the aces at In Touch know about it?

While it’s true the two were at the Chateau Marmont that night, they were at a dinner party thrown by Elle magazine for its cover star Biel.

Oddly, the scoops at In Touch missed that somehow.

And what were they discussing about marriage that caused the “bickering”?

In Touch doesn’t answer that because there never was a fight, says a source who was at the dinner.

Oh, and if the “spat” was so bad, why were they together two nights later at the same hotel, celebrating Timberlake’s GQ “Men of the Year” cover?

Basically, staffers at In Touch saw photos of Timberlake and Biel, and let their imaginations run wild from there.

Our impeccable insider adds, “The whole story is ridiculous.”

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“SJP Escapes Her Kids,” reads the headline of an In Touch item that claims Sarah Jessica Parker “just got her own apartment in New York City, blocks away from the townhouse she shares with hubby Matthew Broderick and their kids.”

According to a so-called “insider,” the actress “got herself an apartment that’s just for her. She met with the co-op board and said she needed a place to work in peace.”

So is the Sex and the City star really fleeing her family?

Uh, no.

A source close to Parker tells Gossip Cop she’s (1) had that apartment for years; (2) it’s a studio she uses when she needs to get ready for events or up early, so that she doesn’t disrupt her family household; (3) it’s a rental, not a co-op; (4) it has a doorman, unlike her other home, so that she can accept packages; (5) it’s not even in the building pictured in In Touch‘s item.

In other words, Parker and Broderick do happen to have a second place – but In Touch gets every detail wrong and then incorrectly concludes Parker has some scandalous new escape pod.

Oops.

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(In Touch)

It’s a miracle!

Just one week after In Touch magazine claimed Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were “experiencing some serious growing pains” and found their relationship on the ropes, the tabloid says the couple has decided to marry secretly!

Wow!

“The over-the-moon duo – whose characters married on screen in Breaking Dawn – Part 1 – have decided to tie the knot for real,” reports In Touch.

The magazine quotes a “castmate” as saying the low-key couple “will probably opt for Britain’s secluded Isle of Wight” for the nuptials.

According to the In Touch source, Stewart is hoping for a “more intimate” ceremony than the “wedding of the century” staged by Bella Swan and Edward Cullen in the movie.

Pattinson will formally propose to Stewart “most likely by the end of the year,” claims the tabloid, which doesn’t mention when the wedding will take place – only that it “now seems inevitable.”

Lacking any new details or reporting, In Touch pads its article with lots of filler about Pattinson and Stewart’s supposed ups and downs over the years, concluding that “Kristen’s ready to settle down with the man who has always been there for her.”

What’s more, says the tabloid, Stewart has “even vowed to take a year off and try for a baby with Rob, a shocking sacrifice for the work-focused actress.”

Maybe if In Touch focused on reporting as much as Stewart focuses on acting, we’d be spared these overheated rumors that swing from “marriage!” to “breakup!” and back again.

Gossip Cop reached out to sources close to both stars, and we’re told there are absolutely no wedding plans in the works.

Check out PHOTOS of Rob & Kristen at the Breaking Dawn premiere in London!

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