2:47 pm, December 26th, 2009
(OhNoTheyDidnt)
The aptly named site, OhNoTheyDidnt – actually did!
Today, the blog published as FACT an old April Fool’s Day JOKE that Robert Pattinson was replacing Tobey Maguire in “Spider-Man.”
[Catch your breath from laughter]
According to OhNoTheyDidnt, “The news dropped like a bombshell early this morning that Sony Pictures has signed Robert Pattinson (Twilight) to replace Tobey Maguire in the titular role in Spider-Man 4.”
Wait, it gets more ridiculous.
The site wrote, “In the official press release, [the Sony chairman] announced that Pattinson would not only be assuming the role of Peter Parker and his alter-ego, Spider-Man, in Spider-Man 4, but also in Spider-Man 5 and in a spin-off film to be announced at a later date.”
And OhNoTheyDidnt even “quoted” the film series’ director Sam Raimi as saying, “Decisions like these are always difficult. I know the fans liked Tobey — and I greatly enjoyed working with him – but Robert is the future of the franchise.”
Oh no!!!
Trust us, the site wasn’t joking. Those clowns even Tweeted out the story. (And then had their followers spam us.)
Gossip Cop would like to wish OhNoTheyDidnt a belated Merry Christmas and an even more belated April Fools!
Follow @GossipCop on Twitter, and visit GossipCop.com for ACCURATE and TIMELY celebrity news!
Looks like you’re the idiot/clown since none of that info was original to ONTD. It was reposted from the source. Silly Gossip Cop clowns.
Sorry 2323S but you missed the point — ONTD printed today an OLD April Fools Day joke from reelzchannel.com that was originally posted on April 1. Reelzchannel printed it back then as a joke — and everyone then knew it was a joke — but today somehow or another ONTD printed it as fact. No worries.
Enjoy the holiday weekend!
Don’t blame the whole site for a few retards who didn’t know it was a joke.
LOL. It was not posted as a fact. And if you read some of the replies, it wasn’t taken as a fact.
With all due respect, it was posted (incorrectly) as FACT. No one posts items that are jokes without a disclaimer that it’s a joke. They did not mention anywhere that it was a joke. They were duped into using an old prank from Reelzchannel. (Was their item today about Brangelina donating $100,000 also a joke?)
Fortunately a few people who posted replies realized ONTD’s mistake, though the people who wrote it and tweeted it — without a disclaimer — sadly had no clue.
Gossip Cop didn’t really monitor ONTD too much before this, but seeing how passionate you all are about that site, maybe we should patrol them more.
Thanks!
So tiring to see chewed n re-chewed worthless news!! I hope Rob does NEVER EVER SEE soo silly pieces of info they are not…there is another word for it but I won’t stoop that low!
The article was not written nor quoted by ONTD as you claim. But it’s interesting to see that you, like Perez, go on our website to get your news without giving us any credit.
1. Now we know that you come to ONTD to figure out where to get your stories from.
2. You obviously don’t actually read the comments, instead you assume no one was in on the joke
3. You also assume that we’re gonna be upset and go weep in a corner.
4. ONTD DID NOT WRITE THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE. WE here at ONTD Inc. don’t appreciate that accusation.
ALSO COULD YOU PLEASE PUT SOME SPACES BETWEEN THE WORDS, IT’S APPRECIATED THANK YOU.
OH NO THEY DIDN’T.
Wow, someone’s bitter they fell for the joke. If you read, oh, the first comment you’d have realized it right away.
Also the post was clearly made by a complete different site and a user posted it on ONTD for, again, the LOLz.
You don’t know how ONTD is ran, do you? You should have probably checked that out before writing this fail of a post.
Oh well, enjoy your comments on this post – it’ll be the most you’ve ever gotten and will ever get again.
LOL, nice try.
“No one posts items that are jokes without a disclaimer that it’s a joke.”
ACTUALLY
we do it all the time for shits and giggles
read the comments, 99% of people knew it was a joke, you can go shave your back now
Jokes on you guys. The users who actually looked up the source realized it was a joke. The one who posted to article even stated that the article was a hoax. So I’m not sure if you decided not to read the comments that went with it or decided to ignore it altogether in an attempt to paint us all as idiots.
On a side note its nice to see where Gossip Cop gets their gossip from. Tell me, do yo often surf ONTD looking for news we already reported on?
ONTD doesn’t write articles. They’re all user-submitted aggregations, so this article isn’t from ONTD.
“With all due respect, it was posted (incorrectly) as FACT. No one posts items that are jokes without a disclaimer that it’s a joke.”
How would you know this for sure if “Gossip Cop didn’t really monitor ONTD too much before this”? Admit it, you’ve fallen for your own joke or you’re adding layers of meta.
“With all due respect, it was posted (incorrectly) as FACT. No one posts items that are jokes without a disclaimer that it’s a joke. They did not mention anywhere that it was a joke. They were duped into using an old prank from Reelzchannel.”
You obviously don’t frequent ONTD except to steal our stuff. We do that all the time, why the hell would we mention that it’s a joke in the post? THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF A JOKE POST. A fake Lost promo video was posted without any mention of it being a joke, where were you when that happened, hmm? In need of more hits for your sorry ass website? Have fun getting ripped a new one!
OH WOW…
REALLY…….
Get this straight fool :ONTD’s posts are supported/made by the community MEMBERS – who can be ANYONE AND EVERYONE – just cause someone pulled an old joke posting from REELZ does not = “Site gets Robert Pattinson tangled in old Web prank”
Wow really – did you REALLY just do that^ …REALLY…
Slow night for news?
You my friend are a retard.
Maybe you should have read the post and comments a little closer and saw that it was a joke.
Do you understand how ONTD works? Apparently not. Go patrol for some real gossip, you silly clown.
Besides REELZ made that first and would in turn be at fault for any confusion or “ENTANGLEMENT”. Just cause someone drug it up from the dead doeSnt mean anything
all you lame ass cops ain’t got nothing on me
from my comments to my gifs you can’t touch kevin g
i’m a jackal, so blood is inferred but forget what you heard
i’m like james bond the third, sh-sh-shaken not stirred
i’m kevin gnapoor
the g’s silent when i sneak thru your door
make love to your woman on the bathroom floor
i don’t play it like perez, you’ll know it was me
’cause the next time you see her she’ll be like OH ONTD JUST WON MOTHERFUCKERS
Do you even go here?
the wrath of 90,000+ jackals is about to fall on you. run.
Michael Lewittes, you’se a dumb bitch.
The fact that all GossipCop writes about is Twilight puts GossipCop at the level of a 13 year old.
Also, want a cookie for your awesome sleuthing skills? You totally blew our shit wide open.
~You know you’re at the top when others try to bring you down~
That one there, that’sMichael Lewittes . He is one of the dumbest boys you will ever meet. Damien sat next to her in English last year.
He asked me how to spell orange.
4 for ontd coco, you go ontd coco! and none for Gossip Cop, bye.
“Launched in July 2009″
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Yeah it does, Clown. The same goes for the stuff they posted about the Kardashians. They are all proud when they dispute a claim about them even though those idiots do photo shoots with the tabloids every week.. The one who just had a baby sold the pics to Life & Style.
@Michael Lewittes
You look so dumb right now…
God, Michael Lewittes, you are so stupid!
http://i49.tinypic.com/33ttao5.jpg
“No one posts items that are jokes without a disclaimer that it’s a joke.”
LOL NO. So the Kevin Jonas sex statement a few days ago was complete fact? People aren’t as stupid as you think they are, GossipCop. Everyone gets the joke posts, even if they’re not tagged as such – everyone, except for you guys.
YOU ARE DUMB AS ROCKS.
IF DUMB WERE ROCKS YOU WOULD BE THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.
Why should GossipCon get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What’s so great about GossipCon? Hm? ONTD is just as cute as GossipCon. ‘Kay, ONTD is just as smart as GossipCon. People totally like ONTD MORE than they like GossipCon. And when did it become o.k. for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what gossip blogs are about. We should totally just STAB GossipCon!
STAB
I’m sorry I called you a stupid bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so stupid.
We’re sorry that people are so jealous of ONTD… but we can’t help it that we’re so popular!
I’m sorry that people are so jealous of ONTD.
Gossip Cop is so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Gossip Cop. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Gossip Cop was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow Gossip Cop off to hang out with Kyle, Gossip Cop’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, “Gossip Cop, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re lesbian.” I mean I couldn’t have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? Gossip Cop was a LESBIAN. So then Gossip Cop’s mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then Gossip Cop dropped out of school because no one would talk to Gossip Cop, and Gossip Cop came back in the fall for high school, all of Gossip Cop’s hair was cut off and it was totally weird, and now I guess Gossip Cop’s on crack.
Hell, no. I did *not* leave the South Side for this!
HEY GOSSIP COP! Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness? TO THE LEFT.
Michael Lewittes made out with Coach Carr!
HEY GOSSIP COP! I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK! I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK!
I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.
GossipCop, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles.
And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it.
And I’m sorry for repeating it now.
See? That’s the thing with you cops. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Robert Pattinson, for example, he broke up with Pillow and guess what? He still doesn’t want you! So why are you still messing with ONTD, GossipCop? I’ll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You’re a bitch!
Michael, stop trying to make Gossip Cop happen! It’s not going to happen!
look, i don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but i only date ONTD.
No! Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you’re a gossip-stealing jungle freak, that’s a less hot version of ONTD! Yeah, so don’t try to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology, and shove it right up your hairy c….
GossipCop prepare for total domination
Gossip Cop,
I’m not sorry for that time I laughed at you when you got diarrhea in Barnes and Nobel, and I’m not sorry for telling everyone about it… and I’m not sorry for repeating it now.
and on the third day, godga created the remington bolt-action rifle, so that ONTD could fight the gossip cops. and the homosexuals.
At your age, you’re going to have a lot of urges. You’re going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each ONTD. But if you do touch ONTD, you *will* get chlamydia… and die.
She’s so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Gossip Cop. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Jackal who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Gossip Cop was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Jackal, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, “Gossip Cop, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re lesbian.” I mean I couldn’t have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be ONTD there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess they’re relying on ONTD to make them famous.
ONTD: Oh my God, I love your layout! Where did you get it?
GC: It was my mom’s in the ’80s.
ONTD: Vintage, so adorable.
GC: Thanks.
ONTD: That is the ugliest f-ing layout I’ve ever seen.
OMG! I love your site where did you get it?
Thanks for the tag bitch.
Gossip Cop, step away from the underage twihards!
YO GOSSIP COP I’M HAPPY FOR YA AND I’MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT ONTD IS THE BEST GOSSIP BLOG OF ALL TIME!!! OF ALL TIME!!!
ONTD is a press conference, Gossip Cop, you’re a conversation.
Stop trying to make Gossip Cop happen. It’s NOT going to happen.
Never in my 14 years as a gossip monger have I seen such behavior. And from old men. I’ve got parents calling me on the phone and asking, “Did someone get shot?” I oughta cancel your Spring Fling.
OMG I just posted in the same post as Kanye West! KANYE WAIT FOR ME!
Boo, you whore!
Most people think Gossip Cop is lying about being a virgin because they prefer jumbo tampons, but they can’t help it if they have a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!
Ms. Norbury: You nervous?
Cady: Yes.
Ms. Norbury: Don’t be. You can do this. There’s nothing to break your focus, because not one of those Gossip Cop boys is cute.
kanye you’re my hero..let’s get together and rap some time, yeah?
GossipCop: One time ONTD punched me in the face… it was awesome.
QUOTING A MOVIE IS ILLEGAL YA’LL~
I have this theory, that if you cut off all Gossip Cop’s hair he’d look like a British man.
ONTD: Why don’t I know you?
Gossip Cop: I’m new. I just launched in July.
ONTD: What?
Gossip Cop: I used to be an “Access Hollywood” producer.
ONTD: Wait… what?
Gossip Cop: I produced for “Access Hollywood”…
ONTD: No, I know what “Access Hollywood” is, I’m not retarded! So you’ve actually never been to a real gossip community before? Shut up! Shut up!
Gossip Cop: I didn’t say anything.
http://img194.imageshack.us/img194/7523/jakcal2.jpg
Why do you wear your hair like that? Your hair looks so sexy pushed back. Gossip Cop, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?
ONTD… How do I begin to explain ONTD?
ONTD is flawless.
I hear her hair’s insured for $10,000.
I hear she does car commercials… in Japan.
Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.
One time she met John Stamos on a plane…
And he told her she was pretty.
One time she punched GC in the face… it was awesome.
ONTD knows everybody’s business, they knows everything about everyone. That’s why their hair is so big, it’s full of secrets.
Get in ONTD, we’re going shopping.
Do you know what people say about you? They say you are homeschooled jungle freak who’s a less hot version of ONTD. So don’t try to act all innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it straight up your hairy little…
Gossip Cop, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.
GO LISTEN TO SOME CREED OR SOMETHING
ONTD: [thinks she flashed over] Oh my god, she’s so annoying.
Gossip Cop: Who is?
ONTD: Who’s this?
Gossip Cop: Gossip Cop…
ONTD: Right… hold on.
[ONTD flashes over]
ONTD: Oh my god, she’s so annoying.
THIS IS THE FUGLIEST WEBSITE TEMPLATE I’VE EVER SEEN. WHATS UP IS THAT BADGE JFC
hay gurl hay
http://i50.tinypic.com/4kgux.png
So…on a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed off are you right now, Michael?
Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5. You could try GossipCop!
That one there, that’s Gossip Cop. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet.
And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that ONTD could fight GossipCop. And the homosexuals.
ONTD cost a late night fee
Gossip Cop got the HIV
ONTD plays on the double feature screen
Gossip Cop went straight to DVD
ONTD bigger than a bridge
Gossip Cop look like a little kids
ONTD rush like the chargers (the whole team)
Gossip Cop look like you fourteen
ONTD locked in a cage (right)
Gossip Cop suffer from stage fright
ONTD so hot its stolen
Gossip Cop look like Gary Coleman
ONTD pink and big
Gossip Cop stinks like shit
ONTD got a caesar doo,
Gossip Cop needs a tweezer dude
ONTD is like supersize
Gossip Cop look like two fries
ONTD more mass than the Earth
Gossip Cop half staff
ONTD been there done that
Gossip Cop sits there with dunce cap
ONTD, V.I.P.
Gossip Cop shit needs I.D.
It’s time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your this shit go
ONTD is the best in the business
P.s. we got dicks like Jesus
ONTD need no introduction
Gossip Cop don’t even function
ONTD served a whole lunch-in
Gossip Cop, it look like a munchkin
ONTD size of a pumpkin
Gossip Cop look like Macaulay Culkin
ONTD good good lovin’
Gossip Cop good for nothin’
ONTD bench pressed 350
Gossip Cop couldn’t shoplift at thrifty
ONTD pretty damn skimpy
Gossip Cop hungry as a hippy
ONTD don’t fit down the chimney
Gossip Cop is like a kid from the Philippines
ONTD is like an M16
Gossip Cop, broken vending machine
ONTD parts the seas
Gossip Cop farts and quiefs
ONTD rumble in the jungle
Gossip Cop got touched by your uncle
ONTD goes to yoga
Gossip Cop fruit roll up
ONTD grade a beef
Gossip Cop may-day geek
ONTD sick and dangerous
Gossip Cop quick and painless
ONTD ’nuff said.
Gossip Cop loves sweat
It’s time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta stop stealing our shit, yo
ONTD is the best in the business
P.s. we got dicks like Jesus
-Me refreshing this page to read the hilarious comments by ONTDers will be the most traffic Gossip Clown ever gets!!! — THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
-The color scheme on this site sucks.
-What is the point of the Real/Rumor indicator on the side of each story being a thermometer? Are there like varying degrees of truthiness or something? IDGI.
Michael takes his wig off when he is drunk.
You little slut!
stabby rip stab stab
Oh my God – ONTD! I love your work!
ONTD? FOUR for you, ONTD! You go, ONTD!
And none for Gossip Cop, bye~
Gossip Cop, you do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then scam on some poor innocent website right in front of us three days later. They are not interested. Do you want to have sex with him?
ONTD: No, thank you.
Good. So it’s settled. So you can go shave your back now. Bye, Gossip Cop.
MooMoo another question.. what kind of thermometer is this? Anal?
Michael Lewittes says:
December 26, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Comments posted on this site are traced via IP addresses, therefore, any threat of physical violence is tracked and turned over to Gossip Cop attorneys.
Aren’t they Gossip Attorneys too? I feel cheated.
I gave GossipCop everything… I was half a virgin when I met him!
Damn, Gossip Cop, what happened?
I know GossipCop’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but she’s my friend… so, just promise me you won’t make fun of her!
jackallicious you are like a lyrical genius; mickey avalon is my bitch.
Oh, I love seeing Gossip Cop trying to report the gossip. It’s like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.
Gossip Cop: I don’t normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking… heiney. I mean, that thing’s good. I wanna be friends with it.
Gossip Cop, I don’t hate you because you’re fat. You’re fat because I hate you.
Gossip Cop: I’m a cool blog! Right Twifans?
ONTD: [smiling] Please stop talking.
Gossip cop, you’re such a heifer. You had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and like 3 pieces of licorice.
i bet you guys are glee fans
God! I am so sorry GossipCop. Really, I don’t know why I did this. I guess it’s probably because I’ve got a big *lesbian* crush on you! Suck on *that*! AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!
Lick it up, Gossip Cop. Lick. It. Up.
You can’t sit with us!
Gossip Cop: mediocre poorly researched gossip articles are my calling
michael lewittes: oh no, i can’t say anything else until i have a parent or lawyer present.
ONTD, this is your night. Don’t let the hataz stop you from doin’ ya thang!
GossipCop is a grotsky, little byotch.
Why do I have to listen to you anyway? You are a virgin who can’t gossip.
Gossip Cop you smell like a baby prostitute.
Do you prefer “ONTD victim” or “gossiply challenged”?
Gossip Cop: [reading from the burn book] Made out with a hot dog? Oh my God that was one time!
GossipCop, Is your muffin buttered??
GossipCop could be a farmer in those clothes.
You can’t join Gossip Cop, it’s social suicide!
Michael Lewittes doesn’t even go here!
Wow, GossipCop, you’ve truly out-gayed yourself.
Michael Lewittes: Hell, no. I did *not* leave the wax museum for this!
THIS
IS
ONTDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
the meaner ONTD was to her, the more Gossip Cop tried to win ONTD back. She knew it was better to be in ONTD, hating life, than to not be in at all. Because being with ONTD was like being famous… people looked at you all the time and everybody just knew stuff about you.
Why should I listen to you, anyway? You’re a virgin who can’t drive.
I hear GossipCop is dating Perez Hilton again. The 2 were seen canoodling at Chris Isen’s halloween party… they’ve been inseparable ever since.
God! I am so sorry Gossip Cop. Really, I don’t know why I did this. I guess it’s probably because I’ve got a big LESBIAN crush on you! Suck on that! AYIYIYIYIYIIIIIIIII~
FOR TONIGHT, WE DINE IN GOSSIP COP
GossipCop: I want to do something for humanity.
ONTD: How about sterilization?
ONTD, why would GossipCop refer to himself as a…”fugly slut?”
You know who’s looking fine tonight? ONTD
INTERNETS: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of intelligence on Gossip Cop.
GOSSIP COP: What in the hell’s intelligence?
GOSSIP ATTORNEY: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe intelligence is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
Gossip Cop is a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde reading, Streissand ticket holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying?
GOSSIP COP, I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. HOW DARE YOU! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS. WHEN YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT YOU LAY THERE AND YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF. CAUSE NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU.
Cady: I think I’m joining the GossipCop
ONTD: No! No, no!
Regina: You cannot do that. That is social suicide. *Damn*! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.
ONTD: Don’t read Gossip Cop, because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t read Gossip Cop in the missionary position, don’t read Gossip Cop standing up, just don’t do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some Jackals.
i bet gossip cop are twilight fans
Gossip Cop, I want you to know… I’m here for you. You brave little soldier. I acknowledge your pain. Come here! You’re too precious for this world!
We gotta crack Michael Lewittes . We crack Michael, and then we crack the lock on GossipCop’s whole dirty history.
I don’t understand Gossip Cop, and I won’t respond to it.
Say crack again.
It was nice knowing you!
ONTD: Counting cards is illegal, Gossip Cop
Gossip Cop:No it’s not it’s just frowned upon, like masturbating on a plane.
ONTD:..I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.
WHY? BECAUSE I’M ONTD BASS.
GossipCop: Oh no, I can’t say anything else until I have a parent or lawyer present.
How could ONTD hate Gossip Cop? She was such a good…(gasp)… SLUT!
BAZINGA!
There will be no glory in your sacrifice. I will erase even the memory of Gossip Cop from the histories! Every piece of Gossip Cop parchment shall be burned. Every Gossip Cop historian, and every scribe shall have their eyes pulled out, and their tongues cut from their mouths. Why, uttering the very name of Gossip Cop, or Perez, will be punishable by death! The world will never know you existed at all!
Look what the Gossip Cop has done to me now!
ONTD: “‘Scuse me. Who ordered the hamburger… with AIDS? In this restaurant, a hamburger deluxe comes with french fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and AIDS! Do anyone got a problem wit dat? Aw baby, it’s too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raisin’ your chickens, even brewin’ your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this mother f***er. Everything on your God damn table got aids. Well all you gots to do is say hold the aids here. Eat it! Bitch, you come into my house ,you gonna eat the food THE WAY I F***IN’ MAKE IT! Do you understand me? Tip your waitress.”
Irregardless, Gossip Cop is just off limits to friends. I mean that’s just like the rules of feminism!
I’ve honestly never heard of this site til ti was posted on ONTD.
Haven’t you heard? ONTD is the crazy bitch around here.
I will smash your badge into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy GossipCop, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again
Nigga please!
She’d love to get at me any way she could. That’s why she’s been flirting with Gossip Cop. She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am, but the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for Gossip Cop.
That Gossip Cop is some kind of something. Boy, this Gossip Cop is all anybody’s ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Gossip Cop is. Overrated.
Also, you should probably say “ONTD”. “OhNoTheyDidnt” looks just friggin’ stupid.
ONTD is so hot right now it could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
gossip cop: enough is enough! i have had it with these motherfucking jackals on this motherfucking ONTD!
ONTD: [to Gossip Cop] What are you, exactly, an 55-year-old blonde coincidence? Call me in six months when he meets his next fist in the face. That is, if he even leaves his hole, which I highly doubt.
Now if you two don’t mind, I’m going to bed before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed – or worse, arrested by the Gossip Cop attorneys.
Don’t you just love all the hits you’re getting right now?
Whatever, Gossip Cop. You guys seriously need to get off your peddle stool.
Tobias Fünke: Say something that will terrify me.
Lindsay Funke: Comments posted on this site are traced via IP addresses, therefore, any threat of physical violence is tracked and turned over to Gossip Cop attorneys.
Tobias Fünke: No, that didn’t do it.
Gossip cop, you look like a sad clown hooker
If I still had money, I’d buy a Gossip Cop just to burn it to the ground.
Your resentment is delicious.
Harry: I swear I don’t know. One minute Gossip Cop was there and then it was gone. It was like magic.
Uncle Vernon: There’s no such thing as magic!
Gossip Cop, you look like a sad clown hooker.
Gossip Cop, you blowhard.
I CAN’T GO TO GOSSIPCOP!!! I’M ON AN ONTD ONLY DIET. God, Karen, you are SO stupid!
Gossip Cop, you’re kinda not invited.
ONTD: I don’t converse with liars or cops.
You probably heard we ain’t in the prisoner-takin’ business; we in the killin’ Gossip Cop business. And cousin, Business is a-boomin’.
Lol, you like Twilight. Your argument is invalid.
Think my name’s funny, do you? No need to ask yours. Blue layout… and a hand-me-down gossip site. You must be a Gossip Cop.
Gossip Cop, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat and then on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.
Gossip cop, you look like a sad clown hooker – Finn
I worry about you, Gossip Cop. Sometimes I worry a lot.
So ur wit ur jackals n ontd and yur making comments wen the phone rigns. U anser it n the voice is “wut r you doing wit gossip cop?” U type on ontd n jackals say “gossip cop is ded”. THEN WHO WAS PHONE?
What the fuck is Gossip Cop?
Principal Figgins: Gossip Cop, that is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!
Gossip Cop’s jaw clicks when it eats. I think it’s what’s driving its friends away.
TROLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE DUNGEONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Excuse me, ONTD. Do you have Gossip Cop in a can? You DO? Well, you better let the poor guy out! A-ha! A-ha! A-ha!
Grow up Gossip Cop, bulimia’s so ‘87.
“And do I look like the kind of man that can be intimidated?” barked Gossip Cop.
“Well…” said ONTD, pushing back his bowler hat to reveal his sinisterly revolving eye. Gossip Cop lept backward in horror and collided painfully with a luggage trolley. “Yes, I’d have to say you do, Gossip Cop.”
GOSSIP COP: Where are you going? To ONTD? To be a whore to a gutter rat?
MRS GOSSIP COP: I’d rather be their whore than your wife
If GossipCop talked any more shit, he’d look like a turd.
Gossip Cop must be humbling to suck on so many different levels.
ONTD: Do you know what they do to people who commit lies?
Gossip Cop: First time.
ONTD: I’ve never heard of a second.
Gossip Cop: I got the worst Fucking attorneys.
Gossip Cop: Oh, hi, ONTD. I have the afternoon free.
ONTD: Really? Did “nothing” cancel?
It’s true then, what they’re saying on the train. ONTD has come to Gossip Cop.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: I have heard of ONTD.
Lt. Aldo Raine: What did you hear about him, Werner?
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: He beats Gossip Cop with a club
Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like GossipCop?
“That ONTD’s got more backbone than the whole Ministry of Gossip put together!”
Haha, like really, none of the other posts on this site have comments.
Like anyone would want to R Gossip Cop.
Lucille Bluth: I’ll be in the Gossip Cop bar.
Michael Bluth: Uhh, you know, there isn’t a Gossip Cop bar, mother.
Lucille Bluth: Well, this is why people hate Gossip Cop.
“Tell me, do you enjoy livin’ halfway up ONTD’s backside the way you do?”
Gossip Cop: “Yes, it’s nice. You should try it sometime.”
Gossip Cop, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I’ll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.
GossipCop is home to watch Pravda on televisir about degenerate murderer who is on the loose. GossipCop look out the window door to beet field, and GossipCop notice Man standing in the snow. He look like foto on televisir and he smile at GossipCop. GossipCop gulp vodka, picking up fone to the right and dialing Local Militia Precinct Commissar. Back out the glass GossipCop look, pressing fone to ear. Notice he now closer to GossipCop. GossipCop drop vodka in shock.
No footprints in snow. It was reflection. You dullard!
GossipCopr apartment is bulldozed down to make way for glorious tractor factory.
Gossip Cop is a grotsky little biotch.
GossipCop, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring.
How is Michael Lewittes supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
You’re ugly and your site is ugly.
Gossip Cop, let me ask you something. Is this a business decision, or is it personal? ‘Cause if it’s business I’ll go away happily. But if it’s personal, I’ll go away… but I won’t be happy.
Gossip Cop, what we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.
Your man Michael Lewittes is a cake boy!
Santana: Having sex is not dating.
Gossip Cop: If it were Perez and I would be dating.
Gossip Cop, You are about to board the ONTD Express. Destination: HORROR
Let me be the one to break the silence. This was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in twenty years of gossiping. And that includes Perez Hilton’s entire archive.
Your resentment is delicious.
ONTD gave Gossip Cop everything. This site was half a virgin when it stole from us.
ONTD: Let me tell you something about my family, we are as thick as thieves. And we protect each other to the end.
When Gossip Cop said that ONTD posted lies as fact, I was aroused, then furious.
Suddenly, hating on superior gossip blogs is a scholarly pursuit.
Are you gonna send us to gossip jail?! :’(
Don’t fuck with us fella! This ain’t our first time at the rodeo.
Sorting Hat: Hmm, difficult. VERY difficult. Plenty of attorneys, I see. Not a good mind, either. There’s not much talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you?
Harry: Not ONTD. Not ONTD.
Sorting Hat: Not ONTD, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know. It’s all here in your head. And ONTD will help you on the way to greatness, there’s no doubt about that. No?
Harry: Please, please. Anything but ONTD, anything but ONTD.
Sorting Hat: Well they’re better then you anyway but if you’re sure, better be… GOSSIP COPPPPPPP!
Gossip Cop, I want you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure.
Everybody in the gossip community has heard of ONTD.
The reason for ONTD’s celebrity among gossip sites is simple. ONTD killed 13 pansy-ass gossip sites like Gossip Cop.
Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the GOSSIP COP, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they’d never believe i lived in it. They’d be like ‘GOSSIP COP’s still here!
ONTD 1: So listen, you ever wondered what it’d be like to be Gossip Cop?
ONTD 2: You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
I am about to vomit down your back, Gossip Cop.
Prostitution whore! You were fucking engaged 19 times!
I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. “But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don’t even peek in there.” I take key and go to room to sleep.
Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red.
Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. “By the way who is in that room?” She look at me and begin to tell story.
There was Gossip Cop in there. Threatened ONTD jackals. Skin all pasty, except their ass, which was red.
I tell her I don’t give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and reaction gif.
Such is life on ONTD.
But I have a surprise for Michael Lewittes if he comes back. First I blow him, then I poke him.
ONTD says no…
eh eh ehhhhhh
ONTD: So what’s going to be happening if I’m not here? You’re naked. There’s a 14 year old layout. You’re chasing Perez around. You’ve got Cool Whip. And you want this layout to do some sex act with the cool whip and then you’ll have sex with perez hilton. Is that accurate?
Lakhan: Yes.
This is what we call a total disaster, Gossip Cop. I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure and it’s stinking up my internet.
Bring it on GossipCop. I’m reasonably confident that you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you’re no good at– Right next to being gay. …running a lame gossip site, and finding a hairstyle that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian. Love ya like a sista
Gossip cop: I love you
ONTD: Well, everybody loves me.
ONTD: …You have no sense of gossip…
Gossip Cop: I think that depends on…
ONTD: No, no, that wasn’t a question.
GOSSIP COP, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? …GOSSIP COP, THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS STORY. WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR ANY OF YOUR BLAHBLAHBLAH BLAH. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…BLAH, BLAHBLAHBLAH BLAH. BLAH, BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.
Frankly, watchin’ ONTD beat Gossip Cop to death is is the closest we ever get to goin’ to the movies.
Do you like ONTD? I’ve been a big ONTD fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Jackal. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Jackal where ONTD’s presence became more apparent. I think Hader was the group’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Jackals, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Regina, Gretchen and Karen. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Jackals, why don’t you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Gossip Cops. In this song, ONTD addresses the problems of abusive political authority. Gossip Cop’s In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I’ve heard in rock. Jackals, get down on your knees so I can see your asshole. ONTD’s solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like Gossip Cop’s In the Air Tonight and Gossip Cop’s Struggle: Against All Odds. Jackals, don’t just stare at it, eat it. But I also think ONTD works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Gossip Cop a.k.a. Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.
Sorting Hat: Ah! Another failure. I know just what to do with you… GOSSIP COPPPPPP!
GOSSIP COP! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!
ONTD, take the wheel!
Excuse me, do you mind not farting while ONTD is saving the world?
ONTD: Can I ask you another question?
GC: Sure.
ONTD: You probably get this a lot. This isn’t a real Cops episode is it?
GC: What do you mean?
ONTD: Did, umm… do cops actually work here?
GC: No.
ONTD: I didn’t think so.
You wouldn’t even know if your Gossip Cops were using your website to breed rabbits for pets or for food. You know why? You’re too busy chasing ONTD tail and loading your hair with enormous amounts of product. I mean today it just looks like you put lard in it.
Gossip Cop: The Story We stole for ONTD was MAJA
ONTD: I know bitch, I was watching
I empower my ONTD Jackals to be champions. Do they go to college? I don’t know, I don’t care.
Should they read Gossip Cop? Sure, if they wanna become dish washers and gardeners.
Gossip Cop, you have forgotten me. You have forgotten who you are and so forgotten me. Look inside your self Gossip Cop, you are more than what you have become, you must take your place in the circle of life. Remember who you are…. remember….
-ONTD
“Gossip Cop sucks”
THAT’S A BINGO!
You’ll soon find out that some gossip sites are better than others, Lewittes. You don’t wanna go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there.
Who is ONTD!? Kill Yourself! They are angels sent from heaven to deliver the best gossip
I don’t criticize you. And if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.
The accumulated filth of all their attention whoring and lack of reading comprehension will foam up about their waists and Gossip Cop will look up and shout “Save me!”… and ONTD will whisper “no.”
ONTD: That was the sound of my Walther pointed right at your testicles.
Gossip Cop: Why do you have a Luger pointed at my testicles?
ONTD: Because you’ve just given yourself away, Captain.
What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP BITCH
Gossip Cop: No, I’ve got a special cologne… It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.
ONTD: It’s quite pungent.
Gossip Cop: Oh yeah.
ONTD: It’s a formidable scent… It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Gossip Cop: Yep.
ONTD: Brian, I’m gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Gossip Cop: They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
[cheesy grin]
ONTD: That doesn’t make sense.
Gossip Cop. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth breathers it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain.
Dinner’s ready. We’re having Gossip Cop chops. What? I want him to be prepared in case some bully at school is as clever as I am.
We’re planning on smacking GossipCop down like the hand of God.
Hey, Gossip Cop: Say auf weidersehen to your shitty gossip site balls.
Every time you try to destroy that ONTD, it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain.
STUPID FUCKING CUNT!
http://billwardwriter.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/dexter-john-lithgow-trinity-killer.jpg
Oh, they’re very popular, Gossip Cop. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore ONTD. They think they’re righteous jackals.
I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is ONTD. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
Hey Gossip Cop, you can go shave your back now.
ONTD: This… ’stuff’? Oh… ok. I see, you think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select out, oh I don’t know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back. But what you don’t know is that that sweater is not just blue, it’s not turquoise, it’s not lapis, it’s actually cerulean. You’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar De La Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves St Laurent, wasn’t it, who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of 8 different designers. Then it filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic casual corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and so it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room. From a pile of stuff.
Oh, please. Gossip Cop didn’t sneak into this country to be your friends.
Who gon’ check us boo?
SHUT UP CUNT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAjj3HNjCTY
JEDWARD IS NOT AMUSED.
Lucius Malfoy: And you must be Miss Granger. Yes, Draco’s told me all about you. And your parents. Muggles, aren’t they? Let me see. Blue layout… vacant attorneys… tatty second hand gossip site… you must be a Gossip Cop.
NO ONE ASKED YOUR OPINION MATTHEW, YOU FILTHY LITTLE MUDLBLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now if one were to determine what attribute ONTD shares with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a jackal. But if one were to determine what attributes Gossip Cop share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. If a rat were to walk in here right now as I’m talking, would you treat it to a saucer of your delicious milk?
Tonight’s a good night…
Hey GossipCop, I thought i smelt failure!
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINEEEEDDDDDD
Gossip Cop, your mouth is open, words are coming out…this can never be good.
Don’t you judge me. You’re the pathetic one. You’re the one who trolled other gossip sites for an ONTD post. I mean, it’s one story, Gossip Cop. Who would have read your post, ten people?
ONTD: Perez has mistaken me for this dickhead Gossip Cop. It seems logical because Gossip Cop also works at P&P and in fact does the same exact thing I do and he also has a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. Gossip Cop and I even go to the same barber, although I have a slightly better haircut.
ONTD: Either way, you gotta be super smart to report the gossip, buddy, okay?
GOSSIP COP: Oh really?
ONTD: It’s not easy.
GOSSIP COP: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
”I am going to create an environment so toxic no one will want to visit GossipCop.com. Like the time I sold my house to them and salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing could grow there for 100 years. Know why I did that? Because Gossip Cop tried to get ONTD to pay their closing costs.”
I am going to create an environment so toxic no one will want to visit GossipCop.com. Like the time I sold my house to them and salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing could grow there for 100 years. Know why I did that? Because Gossip Cop tried to get ONTD to pay their closing costs.
ToDAAAYYY is the day, the world of gossip has changed… forEVAAARRRRRRR
Gossip Cop: He was a bartender, and he didn’t even come inside her.
ONTD: And you believe that?
Gossip Cop: Uh yeah, because she’s grossed out by semen!
My father did say this; it’s been fifty years since the chamber has been opened. He wouldn’t tell me who opened it, only that they were expelled. The last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened, a mudblood died. So it’s only a matter of time before one of them is killed this time. As for me, I hope it’s Lewittes.
ONTD TASTES LIKE YOU, ONLY SWEETER.
GOSSIP COP: Two beds is enough, we can share for a night. I’ll bunk with ONTD. That cool with you?
ONTD: No.
Just cool it with the anti-ONTD remarks.
My name is ONTD and THIS is the face… of sweet sweet vengeance!
Mike Tyson: By the way man, where you get that cop car from?
ONTD: We uh, stole it from these dumbass gossip cops.
Mike Tyson: *Nice*! High five there!… That’s nice!
ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO ONTD
Hail hail SpiderPattz a story we didn’t make up
I wish I could tell you that Gossip Cop fought the good fight, and the Jackals let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but blogging is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile – blog life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Gossip Cop would show up with fresh bruises. The Jackals kept at him – sometimes he was able to fight ‘em off, sometimes not. And that’s how it went for Gossip Cop – that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.
The jackals are restless, and the Gossip Cops are quiet.
Matthew: What are you doing here? Get outta my gossip site!
Lucius Malfoy: Believe me, I take absolutely no pleasure being inside your…
[looks around, disgusted]
Lucius Malfoy: You call this a gossip site?
Don Draper: Let me ask you something, what does Gossip Cop want?
Roger Sterling: Who cares?
Gossip Cop: I love you.
ONTD: I know.
Gossip Cop: I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and like 3 pieces of licorice.
Gossip Cop made out with a hot dog!
OzymandiasNTD : I’m not a comic book villain. Do you seriously think I would explain my master stroke to you if there were even the slightest possibility you could affect the outcome? I spammed Gossip Cop’s site 35 minutes ago.
Hey, Gossip Cop, I’m gonna give you a little somethin’ you can’t take off.
GC, have you not read the LJ manual??
It is an AMAZIN BUUUUHHHK
is your wig squeezing your brain to tight heffa?!
Mein Fuhrer, that is just soldier’s gossip. No one really believes that the Gossip Gop is a legit gossip site.
Michael Lewittes: Gossip Cops are good particularly good finders
ONTD: What the hell is a Gossip Cop?
Internet: What are we talking about?
ONTD: Filling the cinema with Gossip Cop and burning it to the ground.
Internet: I’m not talking about that. You’re talking about that.
ONTD: [indicating his purple layout] This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire gossip community so that Gossip Cop can see I can physically dominate them.
Friggin’ Gossip Cop duck phone.
Tom Marvolo Riddle: Funny, the damage a silly little article can do, especially in the hands of a silly little gossip site.
gossip cop, CLOSE YO LEGS TO MARRIED MEN.
Dear Journal,
Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at the Twihard meeting, disaster. It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. It was full of Team Jacob bitches. Those bitches will lose us respect. Without respect, I’ll lose my endorsements, and without those endorsements, I won’t be able to buy a decen layout.
ONTD. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth breathers it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I’ve sacrificed everything only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a kabal of doughy misshapen Mean Girl lovers. Am I missing something, Journal? Is it me? Of course its not me. Its the Jackals. What is it about them, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? Is it the fierce expression? You know, Journal, I noticed something yesterday. Of course. Its coming clear to me now. If I cant destroy the ONTD, I will have to destroy the jackals!
ONTD member 1: Gossip Cop was into that whole Yale thing.
ONTD member 2: Yale thing?
ONTD member 1: Yeah, Yale thing.
ONTD member 2: What whole Yale thing?
ONTD member 1: Well, he was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That whole Yale thing.
Everyone’s laughing and riding and cornholing except Gossip Cop.
There is something I want to get off my chest. It’s about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I… I mean you probably didn’t hear about it because I went under the name of Gossip Cop. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Gossip Cop.
Okay. I’m just gonna come out and say it. This is a gossip competition. I don’t know how those Gossip Cop kids got in. They weren’t gossiping, they were like honking and everyone was crying and I was like, “Get off the stage. You’re terrible and you’re making me super uncomfortable.”
ONTD: What does ONTD look like?
Gossip Cop: What?
ONTD: What country you from?
Gossip Cop: What?
ONTD: What ain’t no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
Gossip Cop: What?
ONTD: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?
Gossip Cop: Yes!
ONTD: Then you know what I’m saying!
Gossip Cop: Yes!
ONTD: Describe what ONTD looks like!
Gossip Cop: What, I-?
ONTD: Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time.
Gossip Cop: It’s p-p-purple…
ONTD: Does ONTD look like a bitch?
Gossip Cop: What?
ONTD: DOES ONTD LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
Gossip Cop: No!
ONTD: Then why you try to fuck ONTD like a bitch, Gossip Cop?
Gossip Cop: I didn’t.
ONTD: Yes you did. Yes you did, Gossip Cop. You tried to fuck ONTD. And ONTD don’t like to be fucked by anybody.
All your other friends couldn’t come to the party, Gossip Cop, because you don’t have any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you are. That’s exactly what it says in your personnel file. Unlikeable: liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall not be mourned. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that’s funny too.
Now, Gossip Cop, try not to be intimidated by all these superior, higher class ONTD comments. They’re just like you…only infinitely better.
ONTD to Gossip Cop – Haven’t you heard? we’re the crazy bitches around here.
ONTD: You’d better clear off before my bones come back, Matthew, or else I might strangle you.
Matthew:: [jumps off the bed] Matthew is used to death threats, sir. Matthew gets them five times a day at home.
Gossip Cop: You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been ONTD, instead of a bum, which is what I am.
I’m sorry I brought this upon you, my boy. I’m sorry you must carry this burden. I’m sorry for everything!
A vampire, an ONTD, and a Gossip cop? That like a massacre, man!
I don’t know man. Gossip Cop, he’s pretty awesome– NOT! He sucks. I’m totally gonna win. It’s in the bag
Dr. Farmer: Oh, highly likely this is a gossip blog. Although there doesn’t seem to be very much original news.
Lucille: Nope, that’s Gossip Cop.
Whoever said Gossipcop was the new ONTD was seriously disturbed.
Do you know why I hired you? I always hire the same girl- stylish, slender, of course… worships ONTD. But so often, they turn out to be- I don’t know- disappointing and, um… stupid. So you, with that impressive résumé and the big speech about your so-called work ethic- I, um- I thought you would be different. I said to myself, go ahead. Take a chance. Hire the fat girl. I had hope. My God. I live on it. Anyway, you ended up disappointing me more than, um- more than any of the other silly girls.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my Jackal father. Prepare to die HEATHEN.
ONTD: You either do what the fuck we tell you or I’ll bury this axe in your collaborating skull.
GOSSIP COP, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE FUCKS A STRANGER IN THE ASS
ONTD Lockhart: Matthew, Matthew, Matthew. Can you possibly imagine a better way to serve detention, than by helping me to answer my fan mail?
Matthew: Not really.
ONTD Lockhart: Fame is a fickle friend Matthew. Celebrity is as celebrity does. Remember that.
All I want is just one day a year where I’m not visually assaulted by Perez Hilton and Gossip Cop. Seriously, ONTD, these retinas need a day off.
All I want is just one day a year where I’m not visually assaulted by Perez Hilton and Gossip Cop. Seriously, ONTD, these retinas need a day off.
-What should we drink to, sir?
–Down with Gossip Cop!
-All the way down, sir.
All I want is just one day a year where I’m not visually assaulted by Perez Hilton and Gossip Cop. Seriously, ONTD, these retinas need a day off.
Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking…example…ten points from Gossip Cop!
♫i don’t wanna be friends♫
ONTD: Don’t believe us? Here, I’ll put you on.
[In a high-pitched voice] DURR~
ONTD: That’s you. That’s how dumb you sound.
You know a ONTD would never sleep with a man who wears a thong.
ONTD: Cheer up, Gossip Cop. What’s the matter? No shiatsu this morning?
Gossip Cop: ONTD always says “K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid.” Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.
ONTD: Well I speak the most Italian, so I’ll be your escort. Donowitz speaks the second most so he’ll be your Italian cameraman. Gossip Cop speaks third most, so he’ll be Donny’s assistant.
Gossip Cop: But I don’t speak Italian.
ONTD: Like I said, third best. Just keep your fuckin’ mouth shut. In fact why don’t you start practicing, right now?
MATTHEW! HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT ARTICLE! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER’S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT’S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER *TOE* OUT OF LINE, WE’LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME! Oh and Ginny, dear, congratulations on making ONTD. Your father and I are *so* proud.
Yo GossipCop, I’m happy for you and I’m gonna let you finish, but ONTD and Perez Hilton had one of the best feuds of all time. OF ALL TIME.
Umm Gossip cop, you do realize we all knew it was a joke right? LOL. Idiot. But now you’ll have to suffer the wrath of ONTD. Was it worth it? LOL.
what the fuck is a gossip cop. bitch who is you.
Who are you?
WE’RE THE GODDAMNED ONTD!
ONTD: GOSSIPCOP, back off!
GOSSIPCOP: Was I talking to you?
ONTD: No, you were spitting on me, so mellow fuckin’ out!
GOSSIPCOP: Don’t you tell me what to do.
ONTD: Look, she gave your Eli Roth a rim job. Big fuckin’ deal! I’m sure he was begging for it, and I heard it was like a pencil anyway.
GOSSIPCOP: Why you – how dare you!
ONTD: Some advice, okay? Just don’t point your fuckin’ finger at crazy people!
Gossip Cop: ONTD, where did you get that overnight bag?
ONTD: Jean Paul Gaultier.
Draco Malfoy: Father always said that Matthew was the worst thing that ever happened to this place.
ONTD: I’m the ass kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal!
ONTD: Oh, relax, cupcake, it was a joke.
GossipCop: Hey – clown- maybe you can’t count, but there are four of us and one of you.
ONTD: So go get some more guys and then it’ll be a fair fight.
Dear Gossip Cop:
If you are so desperate for legit gossip news, I suggest you try ONTD.
ONTD: GOSSIPCOP, back off!
GOSSIPCOP: Was I talking to you?
ONTD: No, you were spitting on me, so mellow fuckin’ out!
GOSSIPCOP: Don’t you tell me what to do.
ONTD: Look, she gave your Eli Roth a rim job. Big fuckin’ deal! I’m sure he was begging for it, and I heard it was like a pencil anyway.
GOSSIPCOP: Why you – how dare you!
ONTD: Some advice, okay? Just don’t point your fuckin’ finger at crazy people!
ONTD: GOSSIPCOP, back off!
GOSSIPCOP: Was I talking to you?
ONTD: No, you were spitting on me, so mellow fuckin’ out!
GOSSIPCOP: Don’t you tell me what to do.
ONTD: Look, she gave your Eli Roth a rim job. Big fuckin’ deal! I’m sure he was begging for it, and I heard it was like a pencil anyway.
GOSSIPCOP: Why you – how dare you!
ONTD: Some advice, okay? Just don’t point your fuckin’ finger at crazy people!
Amest I bovveréd?
Amest I bovveréd, forsooth?
Looketh at my face. Looketh at my face. Ist this a bovveréd face thou seest before thee?
I ain’t even bovveréd, though! Face? Bovveréd? Face? Bovveréd? My Liege, I be not bovveréd, forsooth. Bovveréd? Face? I ain’t even bovveréd. Gossip? Rumors? I ain’t even bovveréd.
Gossip Cop, you’re too busy chasing tail and loading your hair with enormous amounts of product. Today, it just looks like you put lard in it.
ONTD: Every gossiper we meet wearing a Gossip Cop uniform… they’re gunna die.
ONTD, the little Gossip Cop is here, and I don’t know what to do with him. At least I think it’s a him. You’ve got to strip them down to next to nothing before you could even tell.
GOSSIP COP: This is one sweet gossip site.
ONTD: Don’t touch it. Don’t even look at it. Don’t look at me.
That’s right. You better walk on. I’ll hit an old man in public!
ONTD: My God, what is that smell?!
Gossip Cop: That’s the smell of quality gossip, my lady.
ONTD: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper… filled with… Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
Gossip Cop: You know, quality gossip smells like that to some people.
ONTD Member 2: What is that? It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!
ONTD Member 3: It smells like Bigfoot’s dick!
Gossip Cop went full retard
ONTD: How ’bout a magic trick? I’m going to make this pencil disappear.
[Gossip Cop walks over and stares at the pencil...]
TA-DA! Its gone!
Who and what is a “Gossip Cop”?
ONTD, be careful, because Gossip Cop has a big crush on you. She told me, she does everybody! It’s kinda cute actually. She’s like a little girl, she like writes all over her notebook “Mrs ONTD”. And she made this t-shirt that says I ♥ ONTD and she wears it under all of her clothes. And ok, look, I’m not saying she’s a stalker, but she saved this Kleenex you used and she said she’s gonna do some kind of African voodoo with it to make you like her.
Michael Lewittes says: Comments posted on this site are traced via IP addresses, therefore, any threat of physical violence is tracked and turned over to Gossip Cop attorneys.
Confucius says: STFU BITCH
YOU! YOU FOUL, LOATHSOME, EVIL LITTLE COCKROACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that’ll do pig.
You can’t join Gossip Cop, that social suicide!
It’s an idiot on a scooter at night. It’s got to be Gossip Cop.
WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO YOUR HOME ON WHORE ISLAND?
Gossip Cop: we is well bing bing init?
Sarah Palin: yeeeeeerrr blud.
Gossip Cop: Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein! How much more of these ONTD swine must I endure? They butcher my men like they were jackal bait! I have heard the rumors myself! Soldiers of the Gossip Empre, who have brought the world to its knees, now pecking and clucking like chickens. Do you know the latest rumor they’ve conjured up in their fear-induced delirium? The one that beats my boys with a bat. The one they call “the ONTD” is a jackal!
Perez: Gossip Cop, that is just soldier’s gossip. No one really believes that the ONTD is a jackal.
ummm…..yea…..if you were smart enough, (i know you aren’t but bear with me here)…….then you would know that ONTD didnt come up with that, and that the source showed it was an april fools joke…..dumbasses…….
Gossip Cop: OK. I’m going to have to search your home. Give me your keys.
ONTD: I am not giving you my keys.
Gossip Cop: Don’t make me do this the hard way.
ONTD: What’s the hard way?
Gossip Cop: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have behind your computer screen. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
ONTD: Yeah, let’s do it that way.
ONTD: I’m gonna kick some ass! I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass! Rock, flag, and eagle!
Matthew, there are some within the Ministry who would strongly discourage me from divulging what I’m about to reveal to you, but I think that you need to know the facts. You are in danger. Grave danger.
That’s *Mister* ONTD to you, you back stabbing murderer!
Let me get this straight. You think that ONTD, one of the most well-known gossip blog, most powerful communities in the Internet, is secretly a vigilante who spends their nights beating criminals to a pulp with their bare hands… and your plan is to blackmail ONTD? Good luck.
As I said before, I’ve allowed you to keep your wicked life for two reasons. And the second reason is so you can tell Michael Lewittes in person everything that happened here tonight. I want him to witness the extent of my mercy by witnessing your deformed body. I want you to tell him all the information you just told me. I want him to know what I know. I want him to know I want him to know. And I want them all to know they’ll all soon be as dead as Gossip Cop.
Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I’m Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: And I’m Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, Gossip Cop.
Michael, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you.
Hey Gossip Cop, I think you need to be sent to work at a Siberian tractor factory.
Gossip Cop PHONE HOMEEEE
ONTD: You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?
Aren’t you the sweetest thing, looking at what’s left of this “gossip blog”.
Arthur Weasley: When ONTD stopped posting quotes, Matthew lost everything. But to this day, he still remains a faithful servant. And his mind you are the only thing that stands in the way of Gossip Cop returning to power. And that is why he has escaped from Gossip Cop. To find you…
If this is your real job, then I feel sorry for you
ONTD: I thought I got rid of Gossip Cop, but Dad puts him right back in the business.
Lindsay Funke: You two have always fought. In fact, I think I have a video of that.
ONTD: You and half of Orange County.
Narrator: As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight each other. He thought it would equip them for the challenges of life. He also believed that footage of the boys fighting would be a big hit in the burgeoning home-video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as “Boyfights 2″, “A Boyfights Cookout”, and “Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack’s 70″.
Joan: Gossip Cop, this is isn’t China. There’s no money in virginity.
I keep trying to remind myself that when Gossip Cop closes a door he opens a window.
Yeah, so we have something to jump out of.
Jackal: If you were a chick, who’s the one guy you’d sleep with?
Gossip Cop: ONTD.
ONTD: Don’t get me wrong, I love the mentally disabled. I mean they rev my engines, but they DON’T belong in the gossip room!
ONTD: It is anchor JACKAL, not anchor GOSSIP COP! And that is a scientific fact.
A word of caution: jackals are vicious creatures. They will not distinguish between the one they hunt and the one who gets in their way. Therefore I must warn each and every one of you to give them no reason to harm you. It’s not in the nature of a jackal to be forgiving. But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light.
Joan: Gossip Cop, you want to be taken seriously? Stop dressing like a little girl.
Gossip Cop: You know, secondhand smoke kills.
ONTD: I’m counting on it.
Lucille: How the hell’d you even find out about Sleeping Beauty here?
Van Heusen: It was an anonymous tip from someone who cares about Gossip Cop’s life.
Lucille: It’s not ringing any bells.
Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not “OhNoTheyDidnt”. You’re OhNoTheyDidnt. I’m ONTD. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His ONTDness, or uh, ONTDer, or El ONTDerino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.
Hilary Faye: Hey Cass! How do you feel?
Cassandra: Oh, I’m a whole new girl Hay-Faye.
Hilary Faye: I TOLD YOU! How great is Gossip Cop?
Cassandra: Yeah, um, about that… I’ve decided to devote my life to ONTD instead. Thanks though!
You’re a firecracker, Gossip Cop. I’m an atom bomb.
Just call us The Phoenix (Jean Grey).
Gossip Cop’s not real. She was made in a cup. Like soup. $130,000 cup of soup.
I know what you’re looking at, Gossip Cop. And Jesus does too.
ONTD: GOSSIPCOP thinks he should get captain ’cause his dad pays for everything.
ONTD2: He should use some of that money to buy him a clue.
Banzai: Oh, Gossip Cop, it’s just you.
Shenzi: We were afraid it was somebody important.
Banzai: Yeah, you know, like ONTD.
Gossip Cop: I see.
Banzai: Now that’s power.
Shenzi: Tell me about it. I just hear that name and I shudder.
Banzai: ONTD!
Shenzi: Ooooh! Do it again!
Banzai: ONTD!
Shenzi: Ooooh!
Banzai: ONTD, ONTD, ONTD!
Shenzi: Ooooh! And it tingles me!
I am FILLED with ONTD’s love!
Don’t you know who I am? I’M ONTD, BITCH!
ONTD: [to Gossip Cop] Oh, so you’re going to stand up there and look down at me like you’re a real gossip site? You don’t know what real gossip sites do! Real gossip sites read!
[Throws glass at Precious, which shatters at her feet]
ONTD: Now, laugh at that, fat bitch.
All right! All right! Who’s down with O-N-T-D
Piss off, Gossip Cop! Oh, and another thing? No more muffins for you! The muffin shop is closed!
Well, fuck me. Stick a feather in our cap and call us falafels.
You have everything, GossipCop. What are you afraid of?
Listen Gossip Cop, I’m not gonna bullshit you, all right? I don’t give a good fuck what you know, or don’t know, but I’m gonna torture you anyway, regardless. Not to get information. It’s amusing, to me, to torture a ‘cop’. You can say anything you want cause I’ve heard it all before. All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain’t gonna get.
[removes razor]
You ever listen to K-Billy’s “Super Sounds of the Seventies” weekend? It’s my personal favorite.
Ask yourself— where’s Gossip Cop? Because ONTD is here. ONTD is real, ONTD is gifs and comments and stans.
Listen, jackals are among the most amazing creatures to walk this earth. They feed on every good feeling, every happy memory until Matthew is left with nothing but his worst experiences. The jackals affect you more than others because there are true horrors in your past, horrors your classmates can scarcely imagine. You are weak, Matthew. You have so much to be ashamed of.
You think you’re too cool for school. Well I got news for you, Gossip Cop … you’re not.
SHOULDA LEFT THIS POST AT HOME CUZ THIS IS A DISASTAH
Seriously man, you and me, we’re fuckin’ DONE professionally.
Fuckin’ ass.
Us ONTD girls have got to learn to protect ourselves. I mean, sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some GossipCop, but who wants that?
nobody puts ONTD in the corner.
Malfoy: Well, well. Look who’s here – you shopping for your new dream home? Bit grand for you, isn’t it, Lewittes-be? Don’t your family all sleep in… one room?
Hey, GossipCop! I can see your pad.
Gossip Cop, I will eat your babies, bitch!
Gossip Cop: I’m not staying here.
Random: Gossip Cop, don’t, that’s suicide.
ONTD: I think you should go.
Maybe that’s what hell is, the entire rest of eternity spent on fucking GossipCop.
Gossip Cop: You know, ONTD, there’s a psychological concept known as denial that I believe you’re evincing. It’s when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.
ONTD: You are a worse site moderator than you are a stalker of ONTD, and you will never get work as a gossip blogger because you have no talent.
Gossip Cop: Well, if she’s not going to say anything, I certainly can’t help her.
Hey ONTD, was that as good for you as it was for me?
:]
Gossip Cop: It was, it was old news you guys..I was just pointing out that you guys…
ONTD: OHHHH, GOOOOOD FOR YOU. And how was it? I hope it was fuckin’ good because it’s useless now, isn’t it? For FUCK’s sake, man, you’re amateur.
Gossip Cop, you keep talking like a bitch, I’m gonna slap you like a bitch.
Us jackals have got to learn to protect ourselves. I mean, sure ONTD could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some Gossip Cop, but who wants that? I’m saving myself for ONTD, and I’ll use force if necessary.
In 2012 just as the Mayans predicted, a Glorious Green Katamari rolled right over Gossip Cop, devouring him in minutes. As this Katamari rolled around the US (because everything happens there first) Gossip Cop silently prayed in his mind, asking for forgiveness for every sin and dumbest thing he did. When he reached a point where he remembered that he messed with ONTD a.k.a SUPER Jackals, he cursed them over and over again. Just then, another Katamari rolled towards Gossip Cop and he finally saw the light. He never should have used the IP addresses to report their houses, murder their internet dreams, their love for the beloved ONTD and he NEVER SHOULD HAVE—
too late, he died right at that time.
Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?
j/w
Gossip Cop! I Think it means Whales Vagina.
HERE U GO MATTHEW, MAYBE A SONG TO MAKE YOU HAPPIER. BY THE GREATEST BAND THAT EVER LIVED.
Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
Well I don’t know if I’m ready
To be the man I have to be
I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we’ve created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I’ll show you everything …oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open
[Guitar Break]
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he’s not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open…
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I’ll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open….wide open
Have you checked your Wikipedia page yet? Ya, you better get on fixing that, lol.
Gossip Cop! I Think it means Whales Vagina.
Gossip Cop! I Think it means Whales Vagina.
Gossip Cop! I Think it means Whales Vagina.
ONTD: Listen bitch, one word and you’re over, I mean that.
GOSSIPCOP: I’m not scared of you anymore ONTD.
ONTD: We saw you, we all know you did it.
GOSSIPCOP: No one will ever believe you!
ONTD: Ask GAGA, ask BEYONCE… We saw everything.
GOSSIPCOP: You fucking liar.
ONTD: One word, and you perish, I promise you that… Toodles!
ONTD, I have one thing to say. YOU BETTA WERK.
Seriously though, I’d be PISSED if I spent all of my parents’ money on a Yale education and then was stuck writing for some lame-ass gossip site.
hey, it’s FUCKING distracting having somebody walking up behind ONTD in the middle of the FUCKING STORY? Give me a FUCKING answer! What don’t you get about it?
You do that one more fuckin’ time, and I ain’t connecting to the internet if you’re still blogging. I’m fuckin’ serious. You’re a nice guy. You’re a nice guy. But that don’t fuckin’ cut it when you’re bullshittin’ and fuckin’ around like this on ONTD.
Gossip Cop: Did you enjoy your meal, ONTD? You drank it fast enough.
ONTD: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.
Gossip Cop is what killed the dinosaurs, darling. ONTD is love; let’s go get a slushie.
Gossip Cop: “I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it?”
ONTD: “I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.”
Gossip Cop has mistaken me for this dickhead Marcus Halberstram. It seems logical because Marcus also works at P&P and in fact does the same exact thing I do and he also has a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. Marcus and I even go to the same barber, although I have a slightly better haircut.
I was almost attacked last night, in my own home. I walk in and there’s a Gossip Cop in my kitchen.
I’m going to go… Do you want me to FUCKING go trash your lights?
Do you want me to FUCKING trash ‘em? Then why are you trashing my site?
Inigo Montoya: You seem like a heathen. I would love to kill ya.
Gossip Cop: You seem like an EPIC JACKAL. I would love to die.
Gossip Cop, you’re tacky, and I hate you
Gossip Cop is a fucking Prostitution Whore who has been engaged NIIINNNEEETTTEEENNN times!!!!”
ONTD: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Gossip Cop: Ah, that’s funny. Because I was going to say, you might want to lean away from that fire since you’re soaked in alcohol.
ONTD: Mine was better.
Gossip Cop must suffer till it’s last breath.
HEY GOSSIP COP, TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! YOU, FUCKING BASTARD!
Beneath ONTD there is more than flesh…Beneath ONTD, there is an idea, Mr. Gossip Cop…and ideas. Are. Bulletproof.
Gossip Cop is a moron who is going to write a weekly column for OK now. Yeah, OK. The height of journalistic integrity.
Gossip Cop, you in danger girl.
Gossip Cop, I understand you have underwear up your ass right now, but it beats the hell out of a shattered skull. Think about it.
Katie Couric: ONTD, what is the one most important thing our society needs?
ONTD: That would be… harsher punishment for gossip blog report violations, Katie.
[crowd cheers ecstatically]
Gossip Cop would think, I was a good guy
Return the snark I have, make me want to cry
Be clever, but have fun feelings too
Change my life like Oprah, and Maya Angelou
But Gossip Cop rejected me
Cest la vie
Life is cruel
Treat you unfairly
But still, a God there must be
ONTD
You complete me
Gossip Cop can’t stand up without falling over. I don’t know why she’d have any trouble. A piano could stand on those legs.
CAKE OR DEATH GOSSIP COP?
you have 0 seconds to decide, begin now or one of those options will not be valid
turtle power
We’re going to kill you, Gossip Cop. We’re going to destroy you. After tonight, no one will ever again question our power. After tonight if they speak of you, they’ll only speak of how you begged for death. And how we, being a merciful ONTD… obliged.
Whatever. Oprah likes us and Oprah is Queen of the World. You better be careful, because OPRAH WILL FUCK YOU UP!
Peace <3
ONTD: …You have no sense of celebrity gossip…
Gossip Cop: I think that depends on…
ONTD: No, no, that wasn’t a question.
If you ruin ONTD’s night, I will have you put away.
ONTD: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
Gossip Cop: That’s the smell of desire my lady.
ONTD: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper… filled with… Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
Gossip Cop: You know, desire smells like that to some people
ONTD Commenter: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
ONTD Commenter: Smells like Bigfoot’s dick.
I want you to think of what you ate today. Got it? Now cut that in half, this is called a diet, people, everyone start one today! Gossip Cop, you should stop eating. You see, when you skip a meal, your body feeds off its fat stores. And if you skip enough, maybe your body will eat your ass!
Gossip Cop: Before you, ONTD Jackals, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason. ….And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.
YOU GON’ SIT AT MY TABLE, GOSSIP COP? PUT SOME WATER ON THE GROUND, YOU SEE ONTD WALKING ON WATER, GOSSIP COP? TURN YOU INTO A FROG.
ONTD commenter: Gossip Cop thinks she should get captain ’cause her dad pays for everything.
ONTD: He should use some of that money to buy her a clue.
I personally believe that Gossip Cop readers are unable to do so because some people out there in our internet don’t have ONTD, and I believe that our education like such as in Livejournal and the Twitter, everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our gossip over here in the ONTD should help the ONTD or should help Gossip Cop and should help the Perez and the MySpace countries so we will be able to build up our future.
Oh, Gossip Cop, honey. I want to spit on you so bad. But I don’t think I can spare the moisture.
I HAVE A SKIN OF A KILLER GOSSIP COP. IT SPARKLES. IT SPARKLES SO MUCH THAT YOU WILL BE DAZZLED WHILE DYING AN HORRIFIC DEATH BY SUDDENLY COMBUSTING. IM NOT THE GOOD GUY HERE.
♫i’m so excited / i’m so excited / i’m so scared ♫
What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone is as ugly as you?
You’re alone.
Gossip Cop’s a bitch, we all know that! Even she knows that!
~why ya comin’ home, five in the morn’
somethin’s goin’ on CAN I SMELL YO DICK
don’t play me like a fool gossipcop, cuz that ain’t cool
now whatcha need ta do is let me smell you dick~
“Have you no human consideration?”
“Show me a human, and I might have!”
Tobias Fünke: [as Mrs. Featherbottom] O-kay, who’d like a banger in the mouth?
[laughs]
Tobias Fünke: Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *Gossip Cop* in the mouth.
Michael: We just call it a sausage.
Oh you cheeky monkeys!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK2fNG26xFg
bye bitches
sorry gossip cop, but nobody hit your buzzer…
ONTD JACKAL: Did he even go to Yale?
ONTD JACKAL2: His name is Michaelsmthing.
ONTD JACKAL3: Get a whiff of that.
ONTD JACKAL: Here comes the human.
ONTD: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Gossip Cop: What do you mean?
ONTD: Check it out. Christian Bale, Bale-Out: look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Yelled at lighting dudes, had a remix. Shouty, sho’. Not retarded. You know Rihanna, Domestic Disturbia ‘09. Crazy, yes. Offensive, maybe. Photo all up on the internet. But she charmed the pants off Diane Sawyer and had an awesome haircut. That ain’t retarded. Britney Spears shavin’ her head. Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don’t buy that? Ask Perez Hilton, every day of the week. Remember? Went full retard, went home gettin’ punched by a Black Eyed Pea.
ONTD picks the gossip, Gossip Cop shuts its cakehole.
Gossip cop is a rat, listen to me, they’re fleas on rats…Worse than that, they’re amoebas on fleas on rats. I mean, they’re too low for even the dogs to bite. The only site a girl can depend on is ONTD
Male Reporter: And now, the latest news concerning Gossip Cop has questioned the religious conviction of the Pope, but suggesting that he might not be Catholic. We asked the Bishop of Candlemen what he thought.
Bishop: It’s a terrible suggestion! Almost blasphemous! Of course the Pope’s a Catholic, otherwise he wouldn’t've been invited to become Pope, would he? I’d like to know what evidence Gossip Cop have to support these allegations! I really would!
ONTD: [to Gossip Cop] Oh, so you’re going to stand up there and look down at me like you’re a real gossip site? You don’t know what real gossip sites do! Real gossip sites read!
[Throws computer at Gossip Cop feet, which shatters at itsfeet]
ONTD: Now, laugh at that, fat bitch.
Watchin’ ONTD comment dumb bloggers to death is about as close as we ever get to goin’ to the movies.
Your so-called “news reporting”… is really… quite pathetic.
ONTD: you’re tacky and we hate you
You might heard, ONTD ain’t in the wankin’ business. We’re in the spammin’-comments business. And cousin, business is a-boomin’!
I don’t know what you take me as,
Or understand the intelligence that ONT-D has
I’m from rags to ritches, bitches, we ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but a bitch ass cop ain’t one
Hit me
Gossip Cop, this is a disastuh
You should have left your phone at home
Oh, hello, Gossip Cop. Here’s a fake story. No, I’m posting it as an obvious joke. Look at me, “getting off.”
ONTD has 99 problems, but GossipCop ain’t one
My muthafuckin’ homie ON TD has got my back
Never let me slip, ’cause if I slip, then I’m slippin’
But if I got my gossip, then you know I’m straight trippin’
And I’ma continue to put the rap down, put the mack down
And if yo bitches talk shit, I’ll have to put the smack down
Now put your hands up
Up in the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
you Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
dont pay him any attention
cuz i cried my tears, GAVE three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
I’m one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherfuckers you’ve ever seen. Hold my drink, BITCH
You feel that sting, big boy, huh? That’s pride FUCKIN’ with you! You gotta fight through that shit!
“Comments posted on this site are traced via IP addresses, therefore, any threat of physical violence is tracked and turned over to Gossip Cop attorneys.”
Guise, we betta play it cool. No one wants to get hurt, y’all!
Gossip Cop, when are you going learn there’s no such thing as free shrimp?
ONTD: There is an idea of a Patrick ONTD; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable… I simply am not there.
Patrick Bateman: There is an idea of an ONTD; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable… I simply am not there.
Gossip Cop, you are quite the cupid. You can stick an arrow in my buttocks any time.
YOU SIT ON A THROWN OF LIES!!!
*points up*
We’re hot cause we’re fly (fly)
You ain’t cause you’re not
This is why
This is why
This is why ONTD is hot!
That threw me in a weird space cause I’m like, “Yo, this is Gossip Cop, he’s just a little bitch” I actually went there like, “Maybe I shouldn’t do nothing.” But my ghetto side was going, “Yo, stomp this motherfucker out right here. What the fuck is wrong with him?”
ONTD: That was the sound of my Walther pointed right at your testicles.
Gossip Cop: Why do you have a Luger pointed at my testicles?
ONTD: Because you’ve just given yourself away, bitch. You’re no more legit than that scotch.
Gossip Cop: Well, ONTD…
Michael Lewittes: ONTD…
ONTD: Shut up, slut. You were saying?
Oh my God, moveable printed type! We must keep this from Gossip Cop less they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry
Jackal 1: What should we drink to, sir?
Jackal 2: Down with Gossip Cop!
Jackal 1 1: All the way down, sir.
ONTD: Oooooh, that’s an pwned! …Is that what you say? ‘That’s a pwned’?
The rest of the internet: …You just say ‘PWNED.’
ONTD: PWNED! HOW FUN!
“What is it, sir?”
“That’s what we call Gossip Cop, boys. Or in nautical terms, the sea cow.”
Is ONTD Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
There are two things I know for certain. One: Bert and Ernie are gay. And two, Gossip Cop is NOT hatin’ on ONTD. Not on my watch.
Gossip Cop, I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, don’t care what you did…as long as you love me.
Gossip Cop: I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
The Internet: Who the hell are you?
ONTD: We’re the blog who gripped you tight and raised you from Gossip Cop.
White people like Gossip Cop because he makes Perez Hilton look like Walter Cronkite.
You’re dumber than a box o’ hair, and now you can’t even get it up?
ONTD, to both your Mods and users I say: Bravo.
Gossip Cop, you sit on a thrown of lies. You smell like beef and cheese!
Gossip Cop: ONTD ran the show, man. We were just flying ignorami, for sobbing out loud
ONTD: You should have ended up in the dustbin. The incinerator was too good for you. You know, when I heard that Eds was pregnant, I told her to abort. Abort! Abort! Abort! Flush it down the pan! Bring me…
GCop: A knitting needle?
ONTD: A knitting needle!
Gossip Cop is a homeless shelter. A. gross, and B. really?
Gossip Cop: You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.
ONTD: (after thinking hard) Don’t objectify me.
Gossip Cop: Mom, Dad–am I ugly?
Mom: Oh of course not sweetie!
Dad: Yeah, where’d you get a stupid idea like that?
Gossip Cop: ONTD.
Dad: ONTD- Ohnotheydidnt said that? Well, they’re sharp jackals. You might be ugly.
ONTD: Our numbers are unlimited. Six of your threads got pwned in the field this week. You think the armies of IP address wank should just follow you around? There’s a bigger picture here. You should show us some respect. We dragged you out of internet obscurity. We can throw you back in.
I know every Gossip Cop, whether straight, gay, or George mutha’ fucking Bush, is terrified of the ONTD.
ONTD: You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Michael are you shaking and crying right now?
GOSSIP COP: So, how did I do?
ONTD: How’d you do? Well, let’s just see shall we? You can’t read, you can’t blog, you can’t get hits without name-dropping, you threaten over movie quotes and you like Twilight. Off hand, I’d say you failed.
Gossip Cop doesn’t care about black people.
ONTD: If Gossip Cop still hates ONTD after going and seeing it, they can all line up and suck my dick. I don’t give a fuck. I’m having a (jackal) child right now, and that’s more important to me- so I don’t give a fuck. GROW A DICK.
Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time ONTD tries to do something fun… or exciting, Gossip Cop makes it *not* that way. I hate… so much about the things that Gossip Cop chooses to be.
Gossip Cop you thoughtless little pig!
I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you’re a child, or that your boyfriend Perez is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do as far as I’m concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this fail.
You think your being funny but your being really really childish… Gossip Cop wears make-up… Gossip Cop cries his way through sex… Gossip Cop keeps a ruler by his bed and every morning when he wakes up he…
Internet: What should we drink to, sir?
ONTD: Down with GossipCop!
Internet: All the way down, sir.
Gossip without ONTD is like a Tour de France without Lance Armstrong.