National Enquirer Sentences Kirstie Alley to Death
11:37 am, August 12th, 2009
(GettyImages.com; National Enquirer)
In this week’s cover story, hitting newsstands today, the National Enquirer announces that Kirstie Alley has “Only Four Years to Live!”
According to the supermarket tab, the 58-year-old former Jenny Craig spokeswoman is “locked in a deadly cycle of binge eating and yo-yo dieting” that will cause her to die by 2013.
So, how is the Enquirer so sure?
Well, Patrick Wanis, a human behavior expert – whose so-called “Life and Death Calculator” the Enquirer uses as a crystal ball - claims that Alley is “playing Russian roulette with her life,” and “may only live to age 62” because of a number of “stressors” that she has in her life.
The Enquirer even trots out experts who reveal that “Alley is suffering from a deadly disease” – a “disease” called obesity. (Uh, millions of American are dying of that disease.)
And while the Enquirer also tried to question her mental stability by noting that Alley “posted a rant on Twitter” about one of its reporters, what the weekly conveniently left out is how, according to Alley, that Enquirer reporter taunted her by saying, “please comment on the story we are doing about you DYING because you are so f***ing fat.” [Note: Gossip Cop sanitized the quote.]
Gossip Cop wishes Alley the best, and only hopes that such mean-spirited stories die out.
-
hateliars
-
Saras
RSS