Justin Bieber Comedy Central Roast Jokes – Recap Of What Comedians Said!

Truth rating: 10
Justin Bieber Roast

By Michael Lewittes

Justin Bieber Roast

(Getty Images)

Justin Bieber took at beating at the taping of his Comedy Central Roast on Saturday, but the singer rolled with the punches as everyone from Martha Stewart, Shaquille O’Neal and Kevin Hart to Jeffrey Ross, Hannibal Buress, and Will Ferrell (as Ron Burgundy) made jokes about the singer, his career, and his legal run-ins.

Hart, who was the roast master, kicked off the evening with a series of jokes, including how Bieber “has the voice and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder.” As for Bieber having street cred and being “gangsta,” Hart cracked, ”Orlando Bloom took a swing at you. You have a perfume called ‘Girlfriend.’ You threw eggs at a house.” The comedian even took a shot at Bieber’s manager, noting how Scooter Braun found the then pre-teen while surfing the Internet late at night. “You need to be in jail, Scooter,” said Hart.

Ludacris, who said he used to “babysit” The Biebs, managed to tag both the singer and his good friend Ellen DeGeneres. He said, “You act so much like a pussy, Ellen tried to eat you.”

Next, Natasha Leggero joked about some of those sitting on the dais, including Snoop Dogg and Ludacris: “All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.” She also was among the many to mock Hart. She said, “Kevin, you look like someone put 50 Cent in the dryer.” Following her was Chris D’Elia, who told Bieber, “You literally are a guy who has it all, except respect, love, good parents, and a Grammy.”

Martha Stewart then stood up and explained, “Let’s get to the reason I’m here… to give Justin some tips for when he inevitably ends up in prison.” Stewart, who noted Bieber has 60 million Twitter followers, continued with her prison jokes. She said, “The only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower.” Stewart added, “Justin, I’ve been in hard lockup, and you wouldn’t last a week.”

After Hart introduced Shaquille O’Neal with “Let’s get ready to mumble!” the former NBA star scored with another jail joke. He said, “Justin is worth $200 million, and in prison that’s worth four packs of Kool.”

Ferrell as Ron Burgundy said of Bieber, ”He sings to 9-year-olds, and his hair is like a gay figure skater.”

Jeffrey Ross not only roasted Bieber, but also skewered several others on the stage. He said of the diminutive roast master, “Is that Kevin Hart or did Shaq take a sh*t?” O’Neal wasn’t spared either. “Shaq’s dick is so big, he uses it has a selfie stick,” joked Ross. And of the domestic doyenne, Ross said, “Martha Stewart, I want to f*ck you so bad. I bet your pubic hair is fifty shades of gray.”

About Bieber, Ross was unrelenting, calling him the “King Joffrey of Pop.” Tying in Seth Rogen, who Bieber wanted to roast him, Ross cracked, “Seth Rogen thinks you’re a conceited piece of sh*t,” adding, “and he hangs out with James Franco.”

Ross also went after Bieber’s past relationship with Selena Gomez, noting, “Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now.” He also harshly said that Bieber and Gomez used to have sex, “proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.” He wrapped up his roasting by saying, “Justin, you have such a huge career behind you.”

Snoop Dogg cracked of Buress, “You’re the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off of it.” And on a related note, Buress told Bieber, “I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.”

The roast, to be aired on Comedy Central on March 30, ended with Bieber’s rebuttal. “Damn, you guys were brutal,” said Bieber, who then cracked jokes, including how he once turned “a plane into a bong,” and “What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.” He then acknowledged that he “turned a lot of people off” over the years. Bieber earnestly said, “There was no preparing me for this life. I got thrown into this at 12 years old… Things I’ve done that don’t define who I am. I look forward to being someone you’re proud of.”

Bieber, who dressed up in a suit and tie, concluded his speech by saying, “You have my word, I will not end up broken, pathetic, bitter, or sitting on someone else’s roast. I’m at a moment of change. This is a new day.” What did you think of the jokes and Bieber’s response? Will you be watching the roast when it airs?

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