Highlights from Charlie Sheen’s Comedy Central Roast (VIDEOS)
By Michael Lewittes | 12:12 pm, September 11th, 2011
Charlie Sheen was roasted Saturday night for a Comedy Central special that will air on September 19, and Gossip Cop has some of the jabs directed at the former “Two and a Half Men” star.
MacFarlane then said that “Two and a Half Men” will soon have a funeral for Sheen’s character on the show, but noted, “You can just wait a couple months and see the real thing.”
MacFarlane next read an obituary he wrote about Sheen dying in his apartment, and cracked, “I kinda just copied Amy Winehouse’s obituary,” though he said he “had to change a few things… like calling [Sheen] a ‘talent who will be missed.’” [VIDEO below of MacFarlane's "obit."]
“Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood,’” said MacFarlane, “but after all the porn stars you’ve banged, it’s probably Tiger Wood’s blood.”
Jeff Ross, who was on tour with Sheen, held no punches. The funnyman, dressed Muammar Gaddafi, joked, “Charlie if you’re ‘winning,’ something is wrong with the f**king scoreboard.” He added, “If you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing.”
Ross then said, “The only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs — don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”
Jon Lovitz first cleared up that Sheen is “nothing like character he plays on TMZ.” He then jabbed, “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill ‘Two and a Half Men.’” The former SNL star continued: “Charlie is still close to all his exes. Why he just took Brooke Mueller to Mexico where he banged her a** so hard three bags of coke fell out.”
Kate Walsh, not known as a comedienne, joked, “Charlie, you’re an incredible medical specimen, one of the benefits of waking up at the crack of crack.” She then zinged, “It’s amazing, after abusing your lungs, liver and kidneys, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.”
Comedian Anthony Jeselnik, whose humor can be very dark, referenced Sheen’s stint on “Spin City.” Jeselnik said, “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.”
Steve-O said, “Charlie and I have a lot in common. We both love porn, we’ve each done a ton of drugs, and neither of us are actors.” He then directed to the roastee: “Your nose is like my a**, there’s nothing you won’t shove up there.”
William Shatner pointed out, “I’ve had sex in space with green women. You’ve had sex with blue women — because they couldn’t handle their drugs.”
Comedienne Amy Schumer cracked, “You’re just like Bruce Willis… You were big in the ’80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”
Then it was time for Sheen’s rebuttal. And he came out swinging at the previous roasters.
The actor said, “Seth MacFarlane, dude to dude, what’s Comic-Con p**sy like?… Kate Walsh, I don’t know anybody who watches your show, because I date woman who can still get their period.”
“Jon Lovitz,” said Sheen, “just last week we chatted in the backyard and had a few laughs, then he got back on the mower and drove off.”
Sheen explained, “I asked William Shatner to be here because I needed some clean urine — I had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did its job.”
The star ended by saying, “Once again, I come out unscathed. You can’t hurt me… I did porn stars. I did drugs. Then I did the one thing everybody in America wishes he could do. I told my boss to f**k off… I’m done with ‘the winning’ because I’ve already won.”
What do you think of Sheen’s roast?
|Mon, Sept 19 10/9c|
Charlie’s entrance with Slash